[9 BY DESIGN RECAP] Episode 7: Down At The Jersey Shore

Ok, I keep forgetting to check the credits of the show: is Dave Barry an exec producer or something? Cause quite frankly, I'm getting a little sick of the dude. I mean, have the Novos EVER worked with anyone else?

So yeaaaah: DB was front and center again last night, when he dropped a boutique hotel right in Bob-n-Cort's lap.

Yippeeee! A hotel!

Ok, that was pretty rad, and I was super excited for them, even if the hotel *was* in NJ...everyone has gotta start somewhere. And until the Novos get a call from Ian Schrager or Donald Trump, our asses are clearly stuck with Dave Barry.

Anyway.

How much do you love this pic? I don't know if that's Five or Holly, but I love how Cortney is just sitting there with a look on her face that says: "do whatever the fuck you want...jump on the table. I DARE YOU."

We also met Lauren, Cort's old friend who she used to be a waitress with. And in their convo, we got a juicy little tidbit about Cortney (though Bravo glazed right the fuck over it): she was divorced!!?? So Bob is her second husband?? VERRRRRY INNNERESTING (alas, I googled, but didn't find anything on that shit).

Cort also drops the news that they are putting their house up for sale, which we knew, cause they've been hinting at it for weeks. Can we all agree that this has also become the most boring storyline EVER, as we know that they're still in it!!??

So yeah: Bob-n-Cort are doing a hotel and they're going for an "International Surf Lodge" look; or "Africa at the Beach." As totally fucking ridiculous as "Africa at the Beach" sounds, I gotta admit, I was diggin it. I used my googlez skills again, and located this mysterious hotel, despite the fact that they never once refer to its name or location (perhaps Mr. Barry wasn't interested in paying the promotional fees??). Anyway, its the Bungalow Hotel in Long Branch, and though I haven't been to the hotel itself, I've actually been to the exact beach/area where this shit is located. And now I'm all curious-n-shit again, so maybe Greg and I will go back check it out this summer. Though now I probably can't get a fucking reservation thanks to 9 By (and ok: the fact that Elle Mag chose it as one of their top 10 chicest hotels). OH WAIT! Annnnd the fact that mid-week in June, the cheapest room is $500 fucking dollars. IN NEW JERSEY!??

So hotel prep! The Novos ordered some old couches off of ebay, and went back to the Shade Store to fix em up. I will say: I consistently LOVE their fabric/upholstery choices on every single solitary project. And if you have the cash, buying a great old couch, getting it re-laquered, and then re-covered is a fab way to go. Only hitch is, it will probs cost you a million billion dollars.

They also decide to do all this wood shit in the lobby of the hotel...which I also kind of dug. Here are some pics of how this turned out, even though we're supposed to wait till next week to see it. But as we all know by now, getting a non-blurry picture on bravo.com is akin to finding the holy grail, so fuck that noise:

Bob brought a lil bit of the perv tonight, and it's starting to gross me out a bit. He jokingly suggested putting mirrors on the ceiling (first above the bed and then above the bath that Cort was insisting sit open in the middle of the bathroom), and then he asked C if she was wearing anything under her trench coat. First of all: eww. And second of all, this is how these people ended up with seven children. Keep it in your pants, buddy.

Back to the bath.

Cort had a one-track mind about this fucker. SHE WANTED THE MOTHERFUCKING BATH IN THE MOTHERFUKCING MIDDLE OF THE BATHROOM and that was that. Bob fought her on it a bit (though even that seemed staged), and Dave Barry tried to discourage her from doing it later on, and she wouldn't budge. In her defense (and yet again), she was totally f'n right. Case in point:

The shit is bananas, right?

Now, I love the hotel rooms too, though they are majorly re-using some of their tried and true tricks here (Ann Carrington artwork, lightboxes, the light fixtures from their front hallway, etc). I mean, I guess if I had 1000 amazing ideas, I'd want to re-use em too, so I'm not judging. Jus sayin: I NOTICED.

Back to Cort's friend Lauren: now this was a piece of shit storyline if I ever saw one. Cort agrees to "help" her with her apartment, and basically turns this whole bullshit escapade into a Pier One commercial. She and Robert go to Pier One, and then proceed to have a contest to see who can say Pier One the most times in a period of 30 mins. So like:

"This desk will be perfect! I LOVE PIER ONE!"

"Sometimes I feel sad. PIER ONE!"

"PIER ONE, PIER ONE, BOOM, BOOM, HA CHA, CHA, PIER ONNNNNNNE!"

Ok, so not direct quotes, but close.

So then Bob goes off to Lauren's sister's art studio with one of the girls and picks out a bunch of cool artwork. I love that the Novos are exposing their kids to art in such an in-your-face way at such a young age (I mean, even the baby has kick ass art in his room). And you could see how excited Bob was getting as they were walking through the halls: "it even smells like an artist's studio in here...the paint, the canvas"--it was cute for sers.

Cort is back at Lauren's apt with Helen re-doing shit as Lauren hangs out at their house watching the kids (this is imp for the surprise reveal, i suppose). I gotta come clean here: while I liked her furniture arrangement choices, and thought most of the art looked great, I HATED Lauren's apt. In fairness, I guess I mostly hated it b/c they got every bullshit piece of furniture and decor in that mofo from Pier One and I HAAAAAAATE Pier One, but still. It honestly looked like the apt of some chick who *just* graduated college and was getting her first "big girl" apartment.

I hated the green wall, I hated the curtains in the bedroom, I hated the baby blue paint in the bedroom, and while I dug the artwork, I felt like her walls still looked really bare. I mean, she clearly has high ceilings and lots of wall space and needed a LOT of shit. Which I would think would be pretty easy to accomplish when you have a sister who is an artist.

Having said that, this Lauren bitch seemed to love the shit outta everything, so I guess that's what's most important. And they *did* do all this work for free. But yeah, I just didn't dig it...like at all.

Back to the house sale for a sec: a couple came and toured it who was interested in buying it, and they uncovered some interesting shit: like there is no elevator; the laundry is alllll the way on the top floor, so you have to drag it alllllll the way up the stairs to do it (cause, duh: laundry chutes don't go up, ppl!). Interesting points for sure. I mean, I would assume that anyone who has $25 millies to buy that house would have a housekeeper that could drag *her* fat ass up and down the steps, but who knows. I don't really care about the elevator thing, though I guess when you have 5 floors like that, it could be an ish. I'm curious if the Novos thought about this shit and didn't care, or if this is the sort of shit that happens when you don't quite have scads and scads of exp. In either case, I'm taking notes.

Next Week:

Ok, so my Tivo cut out before I could see scenes for next week, but I'm assuming its the big hotel reveal. Also, I think its the finale! Booooo!