YOU'RE WELCOME: Gifts for Your Mom

Kay Jewelers has been brainwashing us for years, making us think that heart-shaped diamond pendants are the ultimate way to show someone that you love them. 

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend," sluts and golddiggers say, but you know who my best friend is? 

MONEY. 

Write me a check and I will love you forever.  But if your mother's blood type isn't ice cubes like mine, she might want something a little more thoughtful.

Looking for a bunch of worthy gift suggestions that will let Mom know just how much (or, how little) you care?

Head over to You're Welcome to get the scoop.

  

[ROUND-UP] The Knocked-Up Edition

Guiliana Rancic summed it up perfectly (YES, I WATCH GUILIANA & BILL, SHUT UP) when she said, "We spend our whole lives trying not to get pregnant, and then when we want to, it's a big ordeal."

Well, not for those ladies that get knocked up accidentally! HA! They were just trying to eat a basket of curly fries and drink a million beers, and guess what happened?  PREGNANT. 

But whether you were wishing and hoping and praying for your own bouncy bundle or joy or whether Saturday night's mixed signals turned out in the worst way possible, most people are clueless when it comes to babies.

But guess who's even more clueless: The friends of pregnant ladies who are still free and single and show up to baby showers two hours late and smelling of mango vodka. 

They're the ones who need the help.  What the hell should they buy as a gift for this shower?  Where do babies come from?  Jesus, did I take my pill today?

And so, I present you with some gentle gift suggestions for what you should buy for someone who is either begrudgingly or estatically pregnant.

Be forewarned: 90% of what I know about pregnancy and babies is what I learned from watching Three Men & a Baby.  That Steve Guttenberg—what an actor!

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[ROUND-UP] Valentine's Gifts for Your Stupid Relationship

The internet plays host to a million billion holiday gift round-ups, and Valentine's Day is no exception. 

But, really, I am sick  and tired of these douchey "personality based" gift guides that pretend to know you. 

1. No one will ever know me like my Netflix account knows me (coming-of-age gay and lesbian dramas? HOW DID YOU KNOW?) 

2. Coming up with vague categories for potential gift receivers like "Tech addict" or "Silly mom" don't even attempt to understand what this person is really like.  Hey, news flash: everyone is a tech addict.  Did you know that the tech addict I'm shopping for is also a meth addict?  YOU DIDN'T.  All of these iPhone cases and kooky USB ports are USELESS.  THANKS FOR NOTHING.

So, we've put together a round-up of Valentine's Day gifts based on the condition of your relationship.  Hanging on by a thread?  Awkwardly new? We've got you covered.  

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[ROUND-UP] IN MY PLACE(MAT)

When I was a kid, my boring Republican relatives would buy me equally boring Republican gifts.  You know what an eight-year-old NEVER wants?  A placemat masquerading as a birthday gift. 

How does that crappy present get even WORSE?  When it's an "educational" placemat that lists every single US president in chronological order.  Eat your vegetables AND learn about William Henry Harrison! 

What FUN that was. 

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[ROUND UP] Wino Design

What's the best way to hide your burgeoning alcohol problem? 

By showcasing it! 

Here's a round-up of products that will say, "I'm not hiding empty bottles under the bed anymore, I'm integrating them into my decor!  I'm a NEW WOMAN."  

Go on, girl. 

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