[ROUND-UP] IN MY PLACE(MAT)

When I was a kid, my boring Republican relatives would buy me equally boring Republican gifts.  You know what an eight-year-old NEVER wants?  A placemat masquerading as a birthday gift. 

How does that crappy present get even WORSE?  When it's an "educational" placemat that lists every single US president in chronological order.  Eat your vegetables AND learn about William Henry Harrison! 

What FUN that was. 

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[A GIRL CAN DREAM] Commonwealth Butcher Block

In my dreams, I have an amazing chef's kitchen with stainless steel appliances, Wusthoff Knives stocked in the drawer, and a restaurant-grade range with red knobs (you know the one I'm talking about). 

In reality, I have white cabinets, ugly formica countertops, a stove that was a hold-over from the Cold War, and a fridge that couldn't even hold the Olsen Twins' food for the week. 

This is what happens when your landlords are picking shit out: they go with whatever the fuck is the cheapest possible thing in the world.  Thanks, guys.  Really.

This butcher block from Matter could definitely find a coveted spot in my dream kitchen, but for $2,500, that'll be after I win the lottery or murder one of my co-workers in order to get a promotion and a pay raise. 

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[I'M OBSESSED] Gwyneth Paltrow's Kitchen

OMG.

OMG.

OMG.

Michaelangelo's David. Versailles. Those bitches have NOTHING on Gwyneth Paltrow's Tribeca kitchen. I think this might be the most beautiful space I've ever seen in my whole life...like e-v-e-r.

Yes I have a white obsesh...and a marble obsesh, and so clearly this shit is like a Playboy spread pour moi.

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[I'M OBSESSED] Keurig Coffeemaker

Here's the thing: I'm a diet coke girl. I drink coffee every once in awhile, cause it's fun and it smells good, but I don't really care about it too much. But that has alllll changed now that I have a Keurig in my life.

HAVE YOU PEOPLE SEEN THIS SHIT??? It's amazeballs!

Here's how it works: you fill the mofo up with water, put your cup underneath, pop in your k-cup (which is basically just the type of coffee/tea/hot choc you wanna drink) and in like 11 seconds: BOOM. You're done.

Ok, so maybe it's not 11 seconds, but its pretty damn close. And they have like a million billion diff types of k-cups (that are sold all over the place; Target, Bed, Bath & Beyond, online) so no matter what kind of hot drink you dig, there is something to make your ass happy. They've got Dunkin Donuts k-cups, chai latte k-cups, even something called "chocolate glazed donuts" coffee...I mean, need I say more?? You can even make iced coffee with thing! (though I haven't tried that yet).

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'Flipping Out' In The Kitchen

House Beautiful is celebrating their "Kitchen of The Year" this week in Rockefeller Center. The kitchen was designed by none other than Jeff Lewis. I don't know about you guys, but I'm so excited for the August return of Jeff's show, "Flipping Out" on Bravo, that I've been color-coding my sock drawer and alphabetizing my spice rack in preparation. Because Jeff is anal, you see. That was a joke about me being Jeff-like.

I suppose it's hard for any kitchen to be impressive when it's full of 238 bored, sweaty tourists asking, "are there free giveaways in here?", but I was underwhelmed upon my entrance.

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