[ROUND UP] Wino Design
Friday, December 10, 2010 at 07:00AM | by Amanda Waas 
What's the best way to hide your burgeoning alcohol problem?
By showcasing it!
Here's a round-up of products that will say, "I'm not hiding empty bottles under the bed anymore, I'm integrating them into my decor! I'm a NEW WOMAN."
Go on, girl.
1. Vinyard-to-Table Cutting Board (Anthropologie, $58): This cutting board is made from reclaimed wine barrels found in the Franschhoek Valley in Africa. Get this, instead of those blood diamonds you wanted. You'll probably be just as satisfied. Or, not.
2. Recycled Glass Bottle Platters (Uncommon Goods, $18 each): Remember in old cartoons when Bugs Bunny or Wylie Coyote would get flattened by a steamroller and walk around all crazy-like for a few seconds until they went back to normal? While that gave legions of children unrealistic expectations as to what intense bodily harm will often result in (read: DEATH), it DOES serve as a reminder that flattening things that AREN'T already alive can result in something cool and functional. Why would you serve something on a plate, when you can serve it on an old, steamroller-flattened bottle of wine? Well, becau—hold on, a piano's falling on my head. I'm not worried—I've got an umbrella.
3. Recycled Bottle Coat Rack (Uncommon Goods, $75): "Take off your coat and stay awhile," you might say to a guest, if you're a 1950's harlot or a serial killer. If you're either of those two things PLUS you're nursing an alcohol problem, this coat rack is for you. Proudly made in the USA, this coat rack is made out of four recycled wine bottles and will actually look pretty effing awesome if applied in the right setting. You're welcome, John Wayne Gacy.
4. Ming Cruets (Uncommon Goods, $35): Probably my favorite thing in the round-up. Inverted wine glasses that you can fill with oil, vinegar, or Love Potion #9. I wouldn't be storing any Love Potion #9 in my cruets, though, because the last time I went to a psychic I was kicked out because of my "negative energy." I'm not even joking.
5. Wine Cork Candles (Uncommon Goods, $22 for a set of 12): True confessions: I'm the reason why cork is endangered. Wanna know why? Because I hate it. I've devoted my life to taking it down. Why? Because every time I get a bottle of wine that is over $15 in price (ie: not often), there is a cork. Whether it's that stupid, foamy fake cork, or the real deal, it doesn't matter. I. lose. every. time. The cork breaks off and I can't get it out and then I'm left contemplating whether or not I should smash it in the sink and just try to collect the leftover wine as quickly as possible and then I decide that's not safe because of potential broken glass shards, and then I'm forced to reevaluate my place in life as a person who can't even manage to open up a fucking bottle of wine even when given the appropriate tools to do so. It's not pretty. BUT: these candles are, right? Kinda sorta? GREAT.
And the final stop on the Wino-town Express is this little number:
Folding Wine Barrel Chair (Whit Mcleod, $165): Oh, hello, gorgeous. This thing is pretty cheap, considering it's made from seventy-year-old oak wine barrels. If I had an outdoor area, I'd be allllllllll over this shit. Just resist the urge to lick the thing, okay? The wine is long gone.
Reader Comments (1)
I'm going to hire a wino to decorate my home.