[A GIRL CAN DREAM] Matt Locke Source LA Collection

Yeah, yeah, the ORIGINAL Matlock was a show that aired during America's sudden obsession with the elderly.  After years and years of only valuing the young, the beautiful, and the braindead, TV stations started greenlighting shows starring old protagonists such as Matlock and Murder She Wrote. 

Because what everyone wants to watch is a bunch of cotton heads (not racist) fumble around and try to figure out murder mysteries.  If someone I know has been murdered, the last person I want on the case is someone who has a restricted driver's license, a pacemaker, and a granddaughter who is my age. 

But Matlock isn't just Grampa Simpson's favorite TV show, he's also a designer out of Los Angeles who makes stuff that only dreams are made of. 

This guy is named the "Melchete Table," which sounds like the name of a suspect on Law & Order: SVU.  Made of salvaged wine oak, it's got a hand-rubbed beeswax finish and it sports a hefty pricetag of $4,800. 

Before buying this DJ Coffee Table, ask yourself a question: can you play an instrument?  Namely, a cool instrument, like a guitar, or the drums.  Because let me just say that I was second chair trumpet player in the Lewiston-Porter Middle School band and as much cred as that gives me, it STILL doesn't make me cool enough to own this table.  To own this coffee table, you need to be able to: pull off wearing ridiculous beaded jewelry, not hold down a steady job for more than six months, and go on an occasional coke binge.  Also, your iPod can't own any songs from the Glee soundtrack.  I fail on all of those prereqs, so I can't buy it.  Can you?  It's $1,150.  That's a lot of coke.  Or, not really.  I don't even know.

Sliding Doors is not just a shitty Gwenyth Paltrow movie, it's this awesome reclaimed oak custom door that Matt Locke has on offer.  It's $3,600 but look at it: IT'S GORGEOUS.  GET IT GET IT GET IT.