[COLOR CODED] Seeing Red

The very idea of color coding may be as lame as Sandra Lee's tablescapes (Vicodin much?), but I DON'T CARE.

I have always been very matchy matchy in my fashion choices (you'll see me in a hot pink polo shirt and a lime green hat with hot pink writing on it—I look like a goddamned five-year-old who was dressed by her blind grandmother), and that attention to color has translated over to my home decor.

My current living room is all dark wood with red accents, and I'm always on the look-out for anything red that I can incorporate into the situation (isn't it sad that Jersey Shore has SO permeated our culture that as I typed "the situation" I literally pictured that douchebag juicehead in my mind?  AWFUL).

I can't be the only one who does this, right?  So, viola! A new series where we pick out cool design stuff based on color.  Awww yeah, Rosa Parks—it feels like 1960's Birmingham up in here. LET'S GO!

 

1. Fu Dog Bookends (CB2, $49.95): Do you love Asian culture but don't want to live in Chinatown because it smells like 40,000 rancid dumplings and there are skinned animals of questionable species hanging in nearly every window?  You're in luck, you racist sonofabitch—with these bookends, you can inject a little Asian flavor into your decor without having to hold your breath around Canal Street.  

2. Besta (Ikea, $650): Let me let you in on a little Design Blahg secret—Erica has some variation of this storage unit in her living room (in white) and when I saw it for the first time, I was drooling just as much as Oliver was.  Throw your TV in the middle, and all of your crap in the square storage units, and your space is transformed into one badass place.  The best part?  No one will need to know that you own DVDs like the first season of the Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Land Before Time (NOT THAT I OWN EITHER OF THOSE). 

3. Engine Barstools (CB2, $89.95): Just like Martin, I have a dream (I guess the theme of this post is making borderline racist comments rather than focusing on the color red).  That dream is that I will one day I have a giant gourmet kitchen with a huge range, giant industrial fridges, and a bar of some sort.  Of course, if I'm able to afford to drop $75,000 on some appliances, you bet your ass I'm not buying cheap ass metal barstools from CB2, but such is life.  These things would still look hella tight against stainless steel.

4. Stardust Pillow (CB2, $14.95): Let me go on the record to say that I'm really not into pillows.  This contention probably stems from my childhood, where I had "dress pillows" on top of my bed, that I had to take off of my bed every night before I went to sleep because my head could obviously never touch the delicate lace pillow cases.  Imagine me, a tiny baby lesbian, having to spend 20 minutes every night dealing with 42 fucking pillows when all I wanted to do was go to sleep and dream of ladies that I "admired."  That said, I understand the need for a few pillows.  This one is a good choice.

5. Marquee Lighted Arrow (Urban Outfitters, $178): Just as I am tempted to wear a t-shirt that says "I'm kind of a big deal," I am also tempted to harken back to my college days and hang up light-up bar signs in my kitchen.  Then, I snap back to reality and remind myself that I am a motherfucking ADULT and while I may still like Bud Light, I don't need to build a shrine to it on my walls.  This Lighted Arrow is a happy medium because it looks enough like "art" that you can come off as sophisticated while still fulfilling your need to have some sort of light-up sign around.

6. Lantern Arc Floor Lamp (CB2, $199): I'm a big proponent of floor lamps, mainly because overhead lighting makes me want to kill myself.  Who looks good in that lighting?  NO ONE, THAT'S WHO.  And while I haven't quite graduated from the one I got from Target for $25 (the top is plastic, how is that even safe?), this one is a pretty sexy option.  That's right, TLC, Ima give you the red light special.*

*I'd like to note here that the very same mother who made me deal with copious amount of lace throw pillows in a baby pink, white wicker bedroom, also let me buy the "Red Light Special" single cassette tape when I was about 8 years old.  I'm in 3rd grade singing along to "Come to my door, take off my clothes, and turn on the red light."  GREAT, MOM.