[DESIGN STAR RECAP] Episode 1: The White Box Challenge

"Twelve of the MOST ACCOMPLISHED designers in the country are on their way to HGTV."

DUDEZ...if that shit is true, then also I am a supermodel, I ride my pet unicorn through the streets of Brooklyn, and Taco Bell is now good for you. Cause today must be opposite day.

Well, the premiere of Design Star happened last night, and I for one will never be looking at a fucking goose feather the same way again. I'll say this: the cast this year is hotter than its ever been before. EVERYONE is good looking...even the old dude. As for these mofos being the most talented and/or accomplished, Al Gore needs to start recounting that shit pronto.

First of all, memo to HGTV: this looks totally fucking ridiculous:

Don't you guys have a ladder laying around that Vern Yip can stand on? Cause Candice Olson and Genevieve Gorder kind of look like his lesbian moms...or his S & M bitches (SAFE WORD =  Courtland).

Also sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but all the hosts look HORRIBLE. Candice looks like a linebacker in a pink uniform, Vern looks like Alex P. Keaton and Gen, though I like the color combo, looks cringe-worthy in those jeans. SOOO not the right fit, GF.

Anyway.

MFAMB has some great recaps of who all these contestant bitches are, so go read em over there if you care.

On to the designing!

The first challenge is a "white box" challenge. Each designer is paired up with another teammate, given a budget of $500 and sent off to Pearl River Mart to buy a bunch of shit that's supposed to represent the personality of the moron they just met and are competing against and secretly wish would drop dead.

Everyone played nicey nice with each other and passed out compliments like candy during the off-camera interviews. Secretly, I'm guessing everyone had this running through their head on a loop:

So everyone goes shopping and, from the get go, a few key hot messes begin to emerge: Alex (the sexy Black dude) leaves half the crap he was going to buy off in the Asian grocery section or some shit like that, and then runs out of time. Erin walks around looking confused (foreshadowing, indeed), and everyone else is just buying piles and piles of ugly shit like its their job.

The "most accomplished designers in the country" begin putting their rooms together, and after a bazillion commercials, bing, bam, boom...everyone is done.

Let's discuss Julie: she decided to do something she referred to as "color washing" the walls. Granted, I had never heard of this technique before, so I googled and here's what I got:

I hate the shit out of this (and it was probs done by a professional) so I guess its safe to say that I'm not a fan of color washing.

Here's how Julie's room turned out:

Julie claimed she was going for "serene and tranquil" with these walls by channeling the sea, yet all I wanna do after looking at that room is pop a xanax just to fucking relax. If I keep staring at that shit, I swear I'm gonna have to call my weed delivery dude. It seriously looks like she raped her walls with a gallon of paint. Also you should know that if you THINK you are looking at a rug you are so not. Because honestly, who the fuck needs a rug when you can just buy 11 billion loose goose feathers and dump em on a pile on your floor!?? Totally genius right!? (yes, ppl...its still opposite day).

Tom (the handsome old dude)'s room kinda looks like Alex-n-Simon's house from Real Housewives of New York City (i.e. a Bordello):

I would expect a petite Asian woman in high heels to come out from behind that curtain and pour hot oil all over my body in this room. An electronica version of Madonna's "True Blue" would be softly playing from the speakers up above, and maybe someone would offer me a hot towel.

After leaving half the shit he wanted to buy at Pearl River, I expected Alex's room to suck a dick. In fact, it was pretty ok:

I don't love it, but I don't hate it either...and with this group, that's somethin. I actually find his color palette to be, ironically, kind of serene (take that Julie!) and I think he does a good job of capturing the masculine vibe, without resorting to the goto, dark, moody bachelor pad design scheme. Those twigs, which I thought looked like a pile of shit at the store, also look kinda ok. If I take a step back, and squint my eyes, I sorta/kinda/maybe dig this room (and I TOTALLY disagree with the judges who all hated this).

Much like Picasso had his blue period, last night's conestants had their gray period. First up, Stacey:

Here's the thing people: why does EVERYONE and their brother constantly try to do these complicated painting techniques? I have an idea: JUST FUCKING PAINT!! When you choose a non-revolting paint color, and a rad color scheme for the rest of the room, plain old paint looks perfectly lovely. Really...try it. Cause all that other shit you ppl keep trying looks like ass on a stick. Anyway, aside from the shit show on that wall, her room is fine. I mean, she did something a lil diff with the bookcase, so that was nice. And I liked the pop of red on the bed...and she seems like she might kind of be on the creative side. So fine: consider me intrigued.

Here's Dan's room:

Here's where shit gets a leetle bit confusing for me: WHAT IN THE FUCK did this dude spend $500 on?? Aside from a blue blanket, and a mirror there is nothing else in this entire room! OH WAIT...yes there is. I almost forgot about the ugly assed piece of bicycle spoke or some shit up above the bed. I would suggest immediately selling this on ebay with the following description: if Holly Hobby threw up and a Care Bear happened to be walking by with a blow torch, you might end up with something like this piece of garbage artwork. Aside from the offensive "art piece" there is literally nothing going on this room. At least that's what I thought until I saw Emily's room:

Honestly, this thing should be on some fucking depression checklist: "Does your room look this? If so, you might be depressed. See your doctor immediately." I will give it up for Emily as she had the best one liner of the night: "I don't draw, I stare," but other than that, this room makes me want to become a cutter.

And so ends the gray period.

Moving on to Courtland:

If I'm being really honest: this dude is already at a major disadvantage with me b/c he has a stupid name. I know his name isn't his fault, but he's over the age of 18, so I hold him partly to blame now. I do feel like he at least showed that he put forth some effort and thought into this bitch. The room isn't incredibly sophisticated, and he didn't take any major chances, but it at least looks done. I happen to hate purple, so this one really isn't my thang, but I guess if you like purple its kind of ok? Also, when you compare it to all the other bullshit, it starts to look even better.

Here's Tera's room:

The Golden Girls called...they want their room back. Oh wait, the Golden Girls are dead. Anyway, this shit was like 1976 Ft. Lauderdale garage sale for me. It looks old and totally formulaic.

Trent's room did not make me vomit:

I'm guessing that the clock started running out and he had like 11 things left over that he hadn't used yet, so in a flurry of panic he was all: ZOMGZ! LET ME HANG ALL THIS SHIT OVER THE BED. So yeah, that crap is a little over the top, but other than that, I dig the color, I dig the beachy feel and I kinda even like the stripe.

Here's Casey's:

I'm not really sure what to make of this. I mean, I don't hate it, but I also don't particularly like it. There's too much of that tatami mat shit, or bamboo or whatever it is. I dig the dark color wall, but that's only cause I like anything if you paint it a dark color. Srsly...you could paint Hitler's bedroom a dark charcoal gray and I'd be all "PRETTTY!!!" I also gotta say: I don't really get the pillows on the floor thing. I mean, does anyone, anywhere out there enjoy sitting on the floor with pillows over the age of eight? I feel like that's one of those amateur ideas that people who have no fucking clue what they're doing hold onto and then try to execute. Truth of the matter is, that shit doesn't work.

Michael's room is right HURR:

I mean, this is not my taste at ALL, but I kind of dig this one too. It does feel sort of Bohemian and Portland-ish. And though it was literal, I dig the idea that he didn't make the bed because Emily (who this design was inspired by) never makes hers. The flowers on the wall *were* kind of creative (I hate them, but jus sayin...). Ok. Fine. Whatever.

And now the piece-de-resistance, Nina's Room!:

This bitch WON. I mean aslfja;sfjlsljfs;ajfslfjlfjslfj!!????

I am, honestly, dumbfounded. And sorry but this totally reaffirms my feelings that the 3 judges on this show kinda blow. I mean, "see you later decorator" does make me want to stab my ears out with a sharp pair of scissors, but the bottom line is: the level of taste and sophistication on Top Design of Jonathan Adler, Kelly Wearstler and that Margaret Russell Elle Decor chick v. these 3, is pretty friggin glaring.

I hate hate this room. For me, this is a perfect example of mediocre, midwest design. Here's how it works: 1. come up with one lame idea (in this case, Chinese parasols). 2. Overdo it until the point of vomiting. 3. Repeat. I mean, that's ALLL that is going on here. I don't even like the painting effect she did with those boxes over the bed...the white line is way too thin. This room is dripping with velveeta, and if I went to someone's house and saw a room like that, I would immediately de-friend them.

Personally, I think Alex, Stacey or even Trent should have won.

This was the best scene...after they named the bottom six, all the losers were sitting around talking about how cray cray it is that one of them will actually have to go home.

"But we're soooooo goood!" "How did this HAPPPPPEEENNNN??"

Anyway, then Emily and Julie were chosen as the bottom two, so we get to see their TV pieces they recorded. Emily was actually better than I thought she would be, except that she went on for 90 seconds about what a piece of shit her design was and how she fucked it all up. I mean, this bitch was pointing out shit that the judges probably didn't even think. She was basically like, "here is a list of 197 reasons to eliminate me."

Julie was just ok. She was cute, but she seemed way uncomfortable. Also she was going on and on about all this Feng Shui bullshit and she seemed like she had ZERO CLUE wtf she was talking about. Also, she dumped a pile of goose feathers on the floor, and there is just no getting away from that.

So boom: Julie got eliminated. Yay.

p.s. WTF happened to that cute chubby British dude host Clive? I miss him.

Next Week:

"Design gets DANGEROUS!" i.e. one of these morons gets a paper cut. It looks like they are doing some makeovers at a Trump property, and there are promises of people getting bitchy. Not sure why the fuck you would, but in case you want more Design Star: Heather Armstrong from Dooce has a pretty great recap of this week's show here.