[DESIGN STAR RECAP] Episode 3: Symphony In the Name Of Design

Le sigh.

I swear to GAWD, HGTV, these team challenges are K-I-L-L-I-N-G us all softly...or loudly, as is the case when I'm screaming at my motherfucking TV the whole friggin time time.

This ep should have been called: Squiggly Lines, The Bitch Is Back. Cause spoiler alert after she reminds us all that the "fawl from the top is a lawng way down": Nina wins ah-gain. a;sfljas;fdjslfjs;fjsdlfj!!

Why or how this keeps happening is a question for the ages, because the shit that she keeps doing is so beyond amateur, it makes that goddammned sunburst mirror from last week look like a Frank Lloyd Wright house. I follow Genevieve on Twitter and she revealed that she ain't votin for her, so clearly this b.s. is all due to Vern-n-Candice. STOP THE INSANITY!!!

Anyway, I didn't think it was possible, but somehow the challenge this week managed to be even *more* idiotic than the last one. The chicks v. dicks format from last week was still in effect, but since two chicks were eliminated so far, there were too many dicks and not enough vajayjay...so one of the boyz had to go over to the girls team and that dick boy was Dan.

For one of the "hardest Design Star challenges EVAR" each team member needed to choose an instrument for their own individual inspiration, and then they had to combine this individual inspiration with everyone else's individual inspiration, for a completely shizhoprenic, un-related combined PATIO! It's a harmony! I mean, this is just all so stupid I'm slightly embarrassed to even type this shit out.

In fact, I'm now convinced that the only reason these b.s group challenges keep going down is because HGTV is too fucking cheap to pay for individual budgets, and so we're all stuck with dumb and dumber every week.

Anyway, Dan was just what the Dr. ordered for the bitchy, cat-fighting girlz. Clearly they couldn't choose one of the boy Queens like Courtland or Michael, as Nina is def not ready to give up her own throne yet, so they needed a man's man. And Dan wears flannels...so yeah.

It was actually kind of hilars to watch the girls with Dan b/c no matter what he said, they were all like: "OOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAH! LOVE THAT IDEA, DANNY PANTS!" "WHATEVER YOU SAY, DANNY-LICIOUS!" Dude could have been like: "let's cover the patio floor with a purple, muppet rug and paint the walls with goat blood" and the ladiez would have been like: 'OOOH, EDGY! LET'S DO IT, DANNY DANNY BOOM BOOM!!" Even Nina stepped into line.

The boys hit the ground running, and immediately went shopping for some patio furniture. The first thing they found was a daybed, which they were planning to use as the centerpiece of their design. Now here's the thing, ppl: the daybed was pretty fly ass looking, but dudez are standing there looking at the thing likes its Jesus Christ asleep in his manger. And then HGTV starts piping in the music from Madame Butterfly or some shit!? I don't know what the fuck it was, but there was a goddamned strings section playing in the background, and I swear everyone was seconds away from joining hands and swaying to the beat.

Interestingly, Jesus seems to have inspired Trent as well, because when they all got to the nursery to look for some greenery, the dude picked out a Christmas Tree. FORESHADOWING ALERT: Trent can't be trusted! Courtland is on the scene though and watching his e-v-e-r-y move, so don't worry America! It's under control!

Only, r'uh r'oh. The Jesus daybed won't fit in the elevator.! Chaos ensues! But as Courtland reminded us, you can never give up in a competition like this. Speaking of Courland, I srsly just had to transcribe his next bit of dialogue word for word for your asses to see, b/c it was just so fucking ridiculous, I knew you'd never believe me otherwise:

"My instrument is the cello, and you know, it really reminds me of relaxing...and just calming and soothing. Kind of like....SEDONA, AZ! For me venetian plaster is such a beautiful finish...and it reminds me so much of the cello. We should just do venetian plaster like everywhere. The mood is set by colors, textures and tones...you know it just makes me want to relax and enjoy good company. I don't care what other people think or say."

THIS IS WORD FOR WORD, ppl...you srsly can't even make this shit up.

Anyway, Courtland plastered the shit out of this wall, producing this bright orange mish mosh that Vern later says looks like a "clown threw up on it." I don't disagree. Needless to say, shit did *not* look relaxing.

The girls are continuing to move things along with Danny Danny Ding Dong, though not before Nina manages to get a few bitch burgers in during her individual interviews by bagging on Stacey. But after all, she IS an artist...an ARTISTE. SHE CREATES AHHHHRRRRTTTT, PPL. Did anyone know that? Cause just in case you didn't, she decided to tell us all 42,765 times. SHE MAKES ART.

We're also reminded of this fact b/c YET AGAIN, she does some ridiculous squiggly line mural on the wall of the patio that seemed to give Vern-n-Candice hot flashes. Everyone who's not fucking insane, thought that shit was disgusting. I've seen better work from those elephants from Africa I saw a Dateline piece on, that draw shit with their trunks and then sell the artwork on ebay.

So, whatevs. The boys-n-girls finish and yet again we're left with: total fucking crap for the boys (minus Tom's little corner, which was a teensy bit cute) and mostly fucking crap for the girls. You know, I just went through both previous eps and both of my reviews and I realized that there has literally not been ONE thing I've seen from any of these people thus far that was even remotely interesting, clever, inventive or even close to drool worthy. Nada.

The boys patio looked like the interior decorating equivalent of that book Sybil. The BET Awards were more pulled together than that shit (and if you watched the BET Awards you are laughing VERY VERY hard right now).

So, the girls win (cause someone has to), and then Nina wins MVP for her squiggly lines, and then I vomit all over my keyboard. And then she says that "her heart was on that wall" and she starts to cry, and I take my vomit that was all over the keyboard, put it into my magic bullet blender, make a vomit shake, and then vomit some more.

Trent and Alex end up in the bottom for the boys, and they both kinda sucked on their host presentations. Obvs we all know that Trent is going home, b/c the editors have been telling us that all ep with all their foreshadowing hints. Before the judges can make their announcement, Trent asks if he can say something and I'll I'm thinking is "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Note to anyone who's ever going to be on a reality show: speaking before the judges do like that is never, ever, never, never, NEVER a good idea. Trent was going home anyway so it didn't really do much but still: don't do that shit.

So yeah: buh bye Trent! You weren't willing to play in the sandbox with Courtland and you liked xmas trees, so yeah: clearly you had to go.

In an unexpected turn, all three of the judges looked really nice tonight, so bravo on that front. I thought Candice looked especially gorge in that light green silk shirt and I liked Gen's dress as well (though I wasn't feeling her shoes). Vern was looking fly in a navy suit. Courtland, however, was yet again wearing a plunging v-neck, with his man cleave out for all the world to see. Dude needs to cover that shit up.

Sidenote: anyone else see the fleeting Zarin Fabrics shot? Apparently they went there last week too, but we never got to see any of the footage. You know Jill Zarin is sitting her own poorly designed living room on the phone with Luann right now saying: "IT'S JUST NOT RIIIIGHT. I'M SO HURT!" So are we all, Jill....so. are. we. all.

Next Week:

Hard to tell what the eff is going on next week, so let me make some predictions: stupid team challenge that makes no sense, shitty designs, and Nina dramz! Dooce's recap is here.