[DESIGN STAR RECAP] Episode 6: We Got Trumped

All I can say is: I fucking missed Mad Men for this??

[Yes. Yes I did].

Ok, so its week one post Nina elimination, and I may as well check in with all y'all to see how everybody else is doing?

Cause I'll tell you how I'm doing: I'm alsfjsa;lfjaslfjdaslfjdslfj (oh sorry, I just fell asleep as I was typing on my keyboard). As predicted, this bitch has turned into SNOOZE-A-PALOOZA, and had I not mainlined 8 cans of Diet Coke today, I'd likely be dead asleep on my Chesterfield right about now.

Picking up on the fact that we're bored as hell with the judges, I'm glad to see some infusion of some fresh blood: a la Donald Trump. Only "the Donald" clearly would not be slumming it on a cable TV show, and so he sent his son to take his place in yet another ridiculous group challenge. I like group challenges just about as much I like a brisk pelvic exam. Except wait: I actually think I like pelvic exams more.

At this point, I'm boring even myself, and yet I can't help saying it again and again and again: ENOUGH WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING GROUP CHALLENGES!!!!!! Espesh when you give these mofos a group challenge and then ask them to incorporate individual elements. And really, really stupid invidividual elements at that (NYC souveneirs??). That's like saying: hey, so all of your guys are going to be on a play together, but you all need to speak with different accents. So, Tom you're going to speak like gangsta rapper, and Stacey you're going to speak like a saucey Southern whore. Emily's going to speak like a Boston cop and Alex is going to be a Southern California surf dude who sings all his lines. Casey is going to be a deaf mute and Courtland is going to speak like Sammy Davis Jr. Oh, and everyone is going to perform My Fair Lady together! But makes sure its super cohesive! Go!

I mean, even if you are insisting on doing these retarded group challenges, there are like 9000 ways you could make them so much better than they are. Like...uhm...ok: let's pick two other spots that have great Trump properties, for ex. How about Palm Beach and New Orleans? How about both teams need to decorate each apartment based on the design aesthetic in those two cities? (one takes Palm Beach, one takes New Orleans). Or fill up a bag with color chips and let each team randomly pick two chips out and then design a place around that color scheme? I mean, I could go on, but someone from Mark Burnett Productions should seriously be dialing my motherfucking number RIGHT NOW.

So, anyway these bitches were broken down into two teams again and were asked to design apartments at Trump's Jersey City building that incorporate lame ass NYC souveneirs. And I hate to say "I told ya so," but EXACTLY what I feared would happen happened: Nina's gone, so instead of interesting contestant dramz, now all we're left with is really, really bad design. And just when you think this shit can't get any friggin worse, ZOMGZ, it sooooo does.

Courtland, Stacey and Tom were on the red team (think: bloody fucking massacre) and Emily, Alex, Michael and Casey were on the blue team (think: Picasso, deep dark depression, and slicing your limbs off).

We start things off over at Team Blue where Michael and Casey begin to secretly plot their own crown molding agenda for the apartment. If you have not yet picked up on the editing conventions of this show yet, you are getting drunk way too early in the hour. As a reminder, it works llike this: within the first 5 mins of the show, every major plot line from the hour ahead is immediately revealed in this poorly veiled foreshadowing intro segment. So, for those of you who have not yet committed suicide: team blue has got crown molding and team red has got....

A BLUE BATHROOM.

There you have the entirety of the whole show, folks. Try it again next week! I swear....it works every time.

So Tom gets a hard on for this "spa-like" blue bathroom and proceeds to paint the ENTIRE bathroom this bright, intense, royal blue. We're talking ceiling, door, trim, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Again we have an example of someone going for soothing, and serene, and me somehow needing to smoke a joint in order to relax enough to make it to the end of the ep. Just about the only thing for whom that bathroom would have been "relaxing" for would be this guy:

After his teammates told him the bathroom looked like the inside of a toilet bowl, Tom relented and tried to paint away some of the madness, but it didn't really work. Also, because he was so caught up in his blue period, he totally forgot to paint all the artwork he had promised to on the walls. Courtland threw him under the bus for this at judging (and this is one of the main reasons they lost), but all I was thinking was: HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE, PPL: ARE WE SERIOUSLY DISCUSSING MURALS AGAIN!? And are Courtland and Stacey suhriously angry that Tom didn't get to paint one in their apartment??? Why yes...yes they are.

I'm thinking maybe I should just cut and paste my recaps from weeks prior and then just change the ep title? Would probs be way more efficient for everyone since the SAME stuff keeps coming up again and again and again. But let's go over it one more time just for the hell of it:

• MURALS ARE NOT OKAY....EVER.
• JUST SAY NOT TO MURALS. ALLLLWAYS.
• DO NOT PAINT A MURAL ON ANYONE'S WALL, UNDER ANY MOTHERFUCKING CIRCUMSTANCE (EVEN IF THEY BEG YOU).
• MURALS ARE THE WORK OF SATAN.

I assumed that since Nina was gone, the mural conversation was not going to be necessary again, but lo and behold: here we are.

As for the other team, nothing of any major interest really went down, except for the molding: Casey had that shit cut incorrectly, so none of it fit together properly. Then she painted it all janky-like, and you could see spots and unevenness everywhere. And then, just for funzies, she attached it all backwards and upside down. It literally looked like a blind baboon had installed this shit, and yet aside from one scant "the execution wasn't great" comment, the judges decided to form a prayer circle around it and burn some incense in its honor. HUNH???

And yep: blue team wins!! Based on the judges' effusive love for the blue team's apt and their deep, penetrating hatred for the red team's apt one would think that they looked VERY different.

In truth, yet again, the "winning" design was like a wispy pube's length better than the losing team's. Here's the blue team's masterpiece. Let's call it Jersey greige:

Here's what the judges said about this: "I have a sense of home immediately;" "There is a beautiful play of textures, and very subtle patterns with a very sophisticated color palette."

I *do* like the coffee table, and also tend to prefer leather pieces (mostly b/c I have a dog who sheds like a mofo all year long), but other than that, I would not notice this room in a lineup of boring/shitty rooms if my life depended on it.

Ok, now let's look at the losing team's room...we'll call it Jersey yeige:

The judges thought this room was "sparse" and Donald Trump Jr. was "apalled" with it. Ok, uhm...I'm a lil bit confused. True, there was no artwork on the wall (which was a major mistake), but there seems to be way more shit in this apartment than there was in the other one (more accessories, dining furniture, books on the floor, etc)? So I don't really get sparse?? And yes, that off-center rug makes me want to drown a kitten and then punch a baby, but otherwise, they literally have the SAME EXACT types of furniture and the SAME EXACT layout as the winning apt did (minus one piece of artwork on the wall and one leather pouf)...and yet their space plan was "questionable!?"

Look. I mostly think both of these rooms suck a big, hairy dick, but my point is: the judges just make no sense with their commentary. I think the only way that the blue team's apt REALLY differentiated itself is by not having a disgusting blue bathroom. Though I wouldn't even know since they never even showed their bathroom!

Here's team murder's bedroom:

Everyone thought Stacey's bed looked retarded (and I have to agree...deciding to keep the mattress off was all sorts of dumb), but I actually thought the red team's bedroom was way better than the blue teams' (color and style wise, minus the stupid drapes). I mean, look at this boring shit:

They couldn't even make the friggin bed properly!? That blanket should have been tucked the hell in, and those pillows needed to be fluffed up (and reversed?).

They mostly completely glossed over the souveneir pieces, which was annoying since Emily's looked way cool (not even sure if she finished it or not?). Alex won for his pillow, which is fine b/c he actually should have won last week.

Then it was time for judging and Vern told everyone what a piece of shit they were again. Annoyingly, Courtland agrees with them EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's like the dude can't ever stand behind any of his decisions and always folds like a house of cards. Stacey gets her ass eliminated (they didn't even let the bitch show her presentation piece), which also made no sense to me as Tom was clearly the one that needed to go, but then it made sense to me 2 mins later when Tom got his ass eliminated too.

Goodbye to the best dressed contestant that Design Star has ever seen.

Courtland's presentation piece actually kind of kicked ass. He made some joke about Tom's blue bathroom, but I didn't even think it was THAT big of a deal. He seemed comfortable, natural and has a pretty fab on-air personality.

So, SHOCKER: a double elimination went down. So You Think You Can Dance didn't eliminate anyone last week and Design Star eliminated two people...that seems about right.

In other news, Candice is still campaigning HARD for the worst dressed person in the universe award. At this point I almost feel like the HGTV execs are playing a big joke on her? Like is everyone sitting around the control room giggling at the progressively ridiculous outfits she's wearing every week? GET THIS WOMAN A STYLIST!!! This shit is bordering on absuse already (and by abuse, I mean my motherfucking eyes are getting abused).

If Melanie Griffith from Working Girl started dating Madonna from Desperately Seeking Susan, you might end up with something like this:

Of course she switched it up for judging...and clearly was channeling the "goth mosh pit" from last week, when she let loose with this Morticia Adams meets Judy Jetson meets a velvet Elvis painting number:

ZOMGZ! Maybe Tom can now be Candice's stylist!?

Next Week:

HGTV Guest judge John Gidding shows up and all the remaining contestants design a kitchen. I fight every brain cell I've got not to abandon this shit for good for Don Draper.