[DESIGN STAR RECAP] FINALE: I've Seen Fire And I've Seen Rain...

EMILLLLLLLYYYYYY WOOOONNNNNN!

MICHAEL WORE SCARVEESSSSSSS! NINA WAS A BIIIITCCCHHHHH! COURTLANDDD'S STILLL GAAAY! CANDICE WORRRRE DENIM GAUCHOSSSSS!

At long last, this season of Design Star has come to an end. And much like the last day of sleep away camp when you're out of weed and possibly dealing with a newly acquired STD, it's still all pretty bittersweet.

Now, as I mentioned last week, before we went into last night's finale I was already 100% poz that Emily won. I had two major pieces of solid evidence:

1. After meeting Michael & Nina last week, I knew those bitches were acting FAAAR too bitter. If Michael had really just won his own new HGTV show for starter-outers, his tude would not have been blazing so brightly. Also he was too fucking tan. That guy had clearly just spent hours upon hours, day after day at Alaska Tan, and like how would he have time??

2. One of our other fab Design Blahgers, Karyn, tweeted something about Ems a few weeks ago about how she's the new voice of HGTV yadda, yadda, yadda. And they sent her like a 9,000 page release so that they could use her quote in their marketing materials.

So yeah, I used all my crime solving skillz I learned during Scooby Doo to solve that caper.

Anyway.

On to the ep!

Michael and Emily were told that they would each have their very own 1 bedroom apt to decorate, from top to bottom. As well as a budget of $15k (THANK YOU, HGTV...for finally giving us this friggin information).

Then in true Mark Burnett slash every reality TV show in the history of the universe fashion, all of the other former contestants came back to help the final two for their last challenge! Dan was there...and Tom...and the goose feather chick. And OH YEAH, NEENERS WAS THERE TOO! And best of all, Michael & Ems were told to choose one of their team members as the inspiration for their designs.

Sidenote, did you see the "caption this" pic from last week on HGTV's site? I simply cannot stop staring at this shit:

Why are both their hips motioning to one another like that? Where is the mirror that Michael is staring into off stage?? How in the HAYL could Emily have tucked in her shirt like that? And why is she licking her lips?? Is John Gidding standing just off camera? It's like a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a riddle.

Ok, so Emily picks: Dan (duh), Casey, Stacey, Tom, and Alex, aka, Team NOT Crazy.

Michael picks Courtland, Nina (who screams out "razzle dazzle" after Michael says her name, causing me to both wish I knew what the fuck that means, and also feel a leetle bit better about myself just because I don't), Trent, Tera and goose feather chick, er, Julie.

Emily's show was all about helping people turn their fashion style into their decor style (or "lifestyle"), so she immeds picks Dan as her inspirational client. She told Danny Danny Danny Pants to go pick out an outfit he'd wear out on the town on NYC on a Friday night, and so I immediately think she just picked Danny Danny Boom Boom so that she could see the dude shirtless. BUT WAIT! Our girl has a change of heart and decides that Dannyliciious's taste is too much like her own! So now she switches gears and decides to do a room about Tom!

THANK FUCKING GAWD. I'm like over the moon thrilled that Tom's fashion sense is finally getting the attention it so richly deserves. In fact, Vern should have used Tom as his inspiration for that W apt HGTV is giving away...then maybe it would not have come out looking like this:

Ugh. Don't stare too long or your eyes may start to bleed.

Back to the competish!

So Michael is, yet again, focussing on the "starter outers," otherwise known in plain fucking English as PEOPLE WHO ARE STARTING OUT. Now look, I butcher English all the time and say shit like "horbs" or "whatevs," but A. I do this with the knowledge that I'm butchering, so if I *had* to write a research paper, I swear I'd be all good in the hood. B. I'm not on TV and I'm just a stupid fucking blogger.  I can assure your ass with a capital goddamned A, if ma'self was on TV and I was vying for a tv show in which the lion's share of my job was standing there speaking English, I would fucking speak it properly.

Anyway, Michael's show: HELPING OUT STARTER OUTERS start their first homes. And who is his perfect inspiration? Transitioner Nina! Not sure wtf she's transitioning to, oh wait! Yes I do! Brief c-list cable TV reality star to current has been. You're right, Mikey...she is PERF! Though in truth, if Nina was my pick for a room, you'd be hard pressed NOT to get me to use this as my main inspiration:

And I mean HARD PRESSED.

Anyhoo, unsurprisingly, Nina tries to take over straight out of the gate. In fact, those bitches weren't even out of the gate yet. Basically, Mikey said: "I choose YOOUUUU, Nina!" and then she was all: "You need to do this, this, this, this, this and that. And you better watch out, cause my style is AHMAZING! And I'm soooo eclectic! And I have things in my home from Bali!" And Michael was all: "let's use big girl pink!"

Oh man.

While they are designing each space, both of the contestants need to shoot an actual ep of their new show, and so both things need to be going on in tandem. Clearly Nina was not given a wardrobe budget for this new fake, never to be realized show, and so she was forced to go shopping in Candice's closet. That may be why she came up with this:

Raise your hands if you know the answer to the following question: when are cowboy boots and tight denim shorts a good idea? Anyone? ANYONE?! Yep, you guessed it! N-E-V-V-E-RRRRRRRRRRR EVERRRRRRRR NEVERRRRRRR.

So, here's the thing about Michael's hosting abilities: the dude is actually very adept at coming up with that expected "TV persona" and seems kind of sharp on his feet. The only problem is, it also seems fake, forced, and bitchy as all get out most of the time. I feel like he's judging me every word he spits out and every new angle of his fake-ity fake smile. "You're beautiful...too bad your place is so tragic" is not exactly the ideal opening line to HGTV's new dream show. Also sidenote: when you call something "big girl," Michael all we think is FAT.

Emily on the other hand, is FINALLY getting it this week on the hosting front. Interestingly, we're actually able to see a bit of her process, and we can see her putting all the pieces together as she tries to describe the pinstriped walls she's doing. Here's the diff for me: Michael may even have more raw hosting abilities than Emily does, but you can't stand listening to a fucking word he says. Wheras Em is quirky, and charming, and adorable, and you just want to watch her more and more everytime you see her on the screen. And you just get this sense that she *will* get it...and she so does. And last night was the night.

Oh GAWD...then Michael decided to do his starter outer show intro on the motherfucking Williamsburg bridge. And there he was standing there at the nexus of everything I HATE (i.e. Billyburg), wearing a pink t-shirt and a ridiculous shredded scarf, or bibb necklace, or I don't know what telling me I should "achieve bigger and dream as big as I can" and I swear to fucking jaysus, I was two seconds away from throwing my gorgeous Russian crystal e-bay ashtray straight at my goddamned flatscreen.

So back at the studio, DUN DUN DUN, we do this dramatic reveal and the two finalists walk out and see all the former contestants sitting there, along with an audience full of unemployed people paid to be there for the day and clap where appropriate. First we see Michael's show, with his big reveal of Nina's new space.

Unsurprisingly, I FUCKING HATE IT. Like from top to bottom:

Now, I'm not going to pretend its not pulled together...because it is. But it just looks so fucking HGTV...boring, boring, BOH-RING. This color palette is gag me with a spoon, the accessories are not interesting, like even a little bit, and why are the curtains so bunchy?? I guess that curtain panel room separator thing is slightly interesting, and though I'm not into the pattern, I dig that headboard treatment a teensy weensy little bit. But otherwise, I feel like this looks like a 16-year-old's room. Also, WHY IS THAT MOTHERFUCKING RUG CROOKED??? CAN WE ALL AGREE, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, THAT ALONG WITH MURALS, ANGLING FURNITURE AND ACCESSORIES MUST STOP. M-U-S-T!!!!

Here's Em's final space:

Ok, now look: is this my favorite space on the planet? No. BUT, Emily gets shit waaay the fuck more right than Michael does. These rooms look semi-sophisticated, and purposeful, and, duh, beautifully styled. And yeah...kinda like one of Tom's Zegna suits.

And, HOORAY! THE JUDGES AGREE!

After some fake bullshit deliberation, Emily wins! FOR REALZ! Her "Secrets of a Stylist" show will hit the airwaves on August 29th, and I for one already have a season pass.

And like I understand that the ep is already shot-n-all, but I RULLY, RULLY, RULLY wish that they would have used Candice's fashion "style" as the inspiration for the first episode. Cause like there is nothing, and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G that I want to see more in this world than a room inspired by Candice's denim gaucho pants.

Anyhoo. Congrats, Emily! And YAAAAAY!

Next Week:

I finally get to watch Mad Men in real time.