[Flipping Out Recap] Episode 3: Urine Trouble

Hey kids, here I am again, turning my recap of Flipping Out in a day late. Doesn't that seem just like something one of those slack ass employees of Jeff Lewis Design would do? Yeah, I totally did it in their honor. Ahem.

We were left on the edge of our seats last week when Christy, daughter of the famed Casa Vega mexican restaurant, called Jeff to ask for a lunch with "just the two of them, no assistants". Suspense! What could be wrong?

Turns out that we were just DUPED by reality show producers who think we won't come back to watch without a cliffhanger. Hollywood sucks, and so do the people in it. Anyway, Christy just wanted some private girl time to bitch to Jeff, her new gay BFF, about how super hard her life is because she has a kid AND a job. Jeff just wanted to score some more free lobster enchiladas, natch.

I just love it when mothers whine about their lives, as if someone forced sperm inside of them and made them procreate at gunpoint. It's a self-induced problem, Christy, shut it.

Jenni and Jeff then venture to Thousand Oaks to see new clients who would like a kitchen addition and remodel. I was excited to see what project was worth driving three hours for. Turns out, it's a 1970s ranch style home that looks like 17 million other depressing Brady Bunch homes in this country. Color me confused. I have a feeling that the producers are now just casting crazy characters and inserting them into the script, because enter, stage right: Kooky Client Barb, who thinks her stuffed dogs are real pit bulls, who likes to hug everyone from Jeff Lewis Design inappropriately, and who has dyed her hair the classic color #974: So Cal Autumn Sunrise I Swear I Once Was A Starlet.

I was not amused. It felt forced. But it was worth it for these two nuggets:

1. Jenni:"Now that the business has changed and we're working for other people, Jeff has become open minded, and I think it's evidence of growth as a human being. It's a slow growth, like a Japanese maple, but hey, one leaf is exciting." 

2. Chris the contractor used to be so cute and grungy, and now, sadly, I think he's a cross-dresser at GuysAreDollz in his free time, because honey, those eyebrows are GROOMED. Whaa? New rule: just because it worked for Dave Navarro does NOT mean it will work for you.

 

Back at the office, Jeff proposes during company lunchtime that the men start collecting their pee in jars to pour in the yard to keep coyotes away, so that he doesn't have to pay for the animal urine at Home Depot. Trace is horrified. They don't call him Tracey for nothing. Jeff makes the obvious joke about how Trace pees sitting down. Trace googles something like "do coyotes really hate human urine?" and proves that Jeff is wrong, man pee-pee does not keep coyotes away. Jeff = foiled again!

Jeff takes Sarah and Trace to No Cal with him for their rich orchard owning mega mansion clients. Sarah makes a fancyface cuz they're flying private. Poor thing gets excited about it and didn't quite seem to get that they're in a tiny prop plane, AKA The Flaming Death Trap. Sarah said, "There was even a table with a checkerboard...if we had checkers, it would have been awesome."

I make a point not to fly private unless the flight attendant has been briefed on my catering preferences, and there's enough room to make two seats into a bed for a nap with my cashmere blanket. But that's just how I roll, people. Two words. Gulf. Stream.

Of course there's a bumpy turbulence scene, Sarah gets scared, and Jeff texts her that she is going to die. He also makes a classic crack about how it was good that her fear caused her to sweat off 6 pounds, because some of her pants are too tight. Um, Jeffie, those who get botulism injected into their lips should probably stop throwing stones from their glass home, bitch.

Final thoughts?

-While Jeff is away, disgruntled housekeeper Zoila partied with her TV shows and chips. Girlfriend's just begging to get fired. I smell season finale cliffhanger...

 

-DAYUM, Jett got hawt over the hiatus. Who knew that a haircut could make such a difference? For the record, I would be a good mama to him and that baby, ya'all. We've never seen his chick, and he has to bring the kid to work sometimes...maybe she ran off? Enter moi, stage right. Purr. There's some forced producing I can get on board with.