[SO YOU WANT TO...] Never Get Laid Again

Look, sometimes you can't help it. 

Sometimes you still have the wicker bedroom set that your parents bought for you when you were six years old.  Sometimes you think that a water bed is the way to go for sexytime because you've never actually had sex and you don't know how important a semi-solid support system is. 

But let's get serious: we all spend a significant amount of time trying to get laid (ladies, you can call it "romance" or "love" all you want, but I know what's up). We put so much time into our game when we're at the bars, creeping on Match.com, or we're trolling the subways—but maybe the problem is your bedroom.

MAYBE no one wants to have sex with an adult who sleeps in a twin bed (adults who sleep in twin beds are serial killers, FYI).   

So I've put together a list of the top things you should avoid if you ever want to see some action again.  

Canopies: What are you, a fucking fairy princess?  Unless you're dating a pedophile, a guy is not going to get turned on by an overly pink, girly, gauzy canopy bed.   It's the truth, grow up. 

Silk Sheets: Is this a joke?  Are you Deuce Bigalow, male gigolo?  Being in possession of silk sheets says one of two things about a person: 1.) They NEVER get laid and they're trying too hard or 2.) They get laid all the time and they have a million STDs. 

I tried Google searching an image for silk sheets and all that came up were a bunch of pictures of slutty girls sprawled out, spread-eagle on a bed.  Like anyone lays in a bed in any other position that the fetal position, am I right? 

PS: All of the slutty girls in those pictures were blonde, so draw your own conclusions there (or, I'll make it for you: brunettes don't play those games.  A brunette don't need you bitches, they got their book club and sassy eyewear)

Wicker: This isn't Florida, and you aren't living in an episode of The Golden Girls, no matter how much you wish you were.  The only time a wicker bedroom set is acceptable is if you are under the age of 10 years old.  If you hold onto it until you're well into your teens, you better still be in the closet and dating a guy with weird teeth and the personality of a brick wall.  Because then there's no reason to be embarrassed about your infantile bedroom set because you're not interested in this guy anyway.  Not that I have any experience in this area.  

Oversized photos of loved ones: A good rule of thumb for life living in general is to look at the Kardashian family and do exactly the opposite of what they're doing.  Should you date gigantic, steroid-addled sports stars?  No.  Should you wear leopard print on a consistent basis?  No.  Should you continue to look like a scarecrow flanked by a band of gypsies?  NO.  Should you pose naked for Playboy?  Okay, let's be honest: you'll never be asked, but that would be a no as well. 

Kris and Bruce Jenner have a giant portrait of their daughter, Kourtney, naked and very pregnant, hanging on the wall right across from their bed.  You know what's a major turn on?  A naked family member.  JUST KIDDING, LOL. That's fucking gross.

Follow me on Twitter @amandawaas if you want more awkward sex references and semi-hilarious jokes about the Kardashians.