Some Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey

Perhaps this should have been included in my "things I'm afraid to tell you" post: I read all three books in the 50 Shades of Grey series. 

Last week. 

i.e. I was so sucked into this bullshit, I finished all 3 books in less than 7 days. 

These books were SO bad, ppl. Like soooooooo. 

In fact, never have I been more convinced that I myself could easily write a bestseller. Cause if these books are best sellers, I would venture to guess that most eleventh graders who speak English as a first language would be equally qualified to write "best sellers."

Having said all of that my ass *did* indeed get sucked into this bullshit pretty hard, so here are a few thoughts that are left knocking around in my brain: 

You'll find more of a storyline in an actual porn movie than you will in this book

Ok, truth time: there are definitely some hot sex scenes in these books.

The story centers around a rich bazillionaire, Christian Grey, and his annoying, unstable, infuriating love interest Anastasia Steele. It dabbles in the whole BDSM (dominant/submissive) world, but it's not nearly as entrenched in it as everyone makes it out to be. And yeah, the sex scenes were lots of fun at first. But in all honesty, half way through the first book I was starting to get a little bored with them, and even started skipping a few here and there. I mean, COME AWN already. It was completely and utterly exhausting trying to keep up with these people. The only way they were able to communicate with each other was through sex.

Having a disagreement? Time for a blow job!

Scared that you are completely unlovable and that you'll be fucked up for the rest of your life? Have sex in the elevator!

Uncomfortable from our earlier sexcapades when I smacked your ass a little too hard? Let's  have sex in my red walled "room of pain" S&M lair!

Way more unbelievable is that this chick Ana Steele was a virgin and had never even gotten herself to 3rd base before. And yet from the word go: she was a sex maniac, well versed in giving blow jobs and pleasing a discerning billionaire, and also had mind blowing orgasms every. single. time these two hooked up.

I mean, that's as real as it gets, ppl: right??

But the most frustrating thing is that despite the fact that I read hundreds and hundreds of pages of these books, there was barely any storyline! I'm talking like the teensienst weensiest little cobweb of a story was there. It was basically sex scene after sex scene, on top of sex scene, wrapped in a sex scene burrito.

Say what you will about Twilight. The story there might have been completely fucking ridiculous, but at least it was there!

You will probably hate Ana Steele more than you hate Hitler

At least I do. 

And I'm not kidding, ppl. If I was forced to play fuck/marry/kill with Ana Steele, Hitler and some other shmo, I might be fucking Hitler right now.

Basically, Ana is like a combination of Ashley from the Bachelorette, Lindsay Lohan, that snotty, know-it-all women's studies major you went to Oberlin with who secretly liked dudes to smack her around behind closed doors, and Spencer from Heidi & Spencer fame. Translation: she's like the worst human being alive. 

She thinks she knows exactly "who she is" but she has no fucking clue; she has multiple personality disorder; she is constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY contradicting herself; she sends mixed messages as if it were her job; she doesn't listen; she says inappropriate things; she finds out what all of your buttons are, and then pushes them as if she's a maestro leading an orchestra; she's constantly giving out advice that she doesn't follow; she's whiny, immature and insufferable. I could go on here, but using the energy required of my fingers to type this shit out is a waste of my time and yours.

Trust me here: she is a horrible, horrible, awful human being. 

The writing is rully, rully bad. Like I mean this shit makes Twilight look like a Pulitzer Prize winning novel

You gotta get this through your head before you even crack the front page. 10 pages into the book and I actually almost gave up. I had never read a book as an adult before that was just so damn bad...it almost felt like I was getting punk'd. 

In fairness, this did start out as Twilight fan faction, so that does help you put into a bit of perspective. But the author uses and re-uses a number of literary devices that are so bone chillingly infuriating, you may very well commit a hate crime against a kitten before you read the words "the end."

The most infuriating by far, is the main character Ana's constant reference to her "inner goddess" and all of the things that her inner goddess thinks and does. 

Her inner goddess often shows up when she looks into a mirror, or feels the need to get introspective for one reason or another, and sadly for me (and you) this happens A LOT. 

The other annoying thing is that the writer pretty much just keeps repeating, again and again and again and again, the same phrases and lines between Ana and Christian.

"I'm yours and you are mine"

"Don't ever leave me...promise you will never leave me?"

"Are you flirting with me, Miss Steele?"

And lest we not forget the series of barftastical, projectile vomit inducing sexual double entrendres that are constantly going back and forth between these two, day and night, both verbally and via email. 

It all made me kind of murder-y

And yet, I *still* got sucked in and read them all. Which is totally predictible as I'm a hardcore, card carrying, registered Team Edward captain, and Christian is allegedly the non vamp version of Edward. 

Have you read any of this lady porn, ppl?

Tell me everything.