[9 BY DESIGN RECAP] Episode 4: Weekend In The Hamptons

Phrase of the week? "Let's blow this out."

Get your minds out of the fucking gutter ppl...this isn't what Robert said during their nanny interviews (zing!)

This week the Novos are re-doing a guest house out on Long Island and trying to find some full-time help for their kids (who, after 3 weeks, I somehow still don't hate! Yay!).

So yeah, this "guest house" out on Long Island is owned by someone who, unlike Dave Barry, doesn't want their face plastered all over my flatscreen. They're keeping shit anon...so anon, in fact that Cortney told one of her staffers that they'd never be meeting "him." Borrrrring.

Bob seems to be taking a back seat on this one, so Cort drives out to Long Island to see this thing in the flesh.

SONOFABITCH...of COURSE the Novos have a frigging Mini-Cooper. See, this is why I continue to love the shit out of them:

• ANY other family of their size, with their bank account would have a huge SUV, with like 4 rows of seats and TV's and DVD's playing.
• The mini is totally impractical for their fam, BUT totally practical for the city (and for the environment!).
• Also I WANT ONE SO FUCKING BADLY.

Anyway.

Look, maybe they have other cars too. Point is, all I saw was the mini and now I'm deeper in love.

So this Hamptons guest house actually seems like a whole real house, and not some tiny guest trailer in the backyard like I'd probably have...further reminding us all just how poor we actually are. Shit doesn't seem *that* bad in there, but Cort pretty much wants to gut the whole thing ("blow this out, blow that out, blah blah blow"), open up the floorplan and do it all in 11 seconds (i.e. 7 weeks). In order to get this done, their GC Gary pretty much has to move out there and catch catnips in between grouting tile and rebuiding the foundation. Also, there's this chick Helen on the scene, and she's described by Cortney thus: "Helen's my George."

Speaking of George, can we talk about him for a min? George is like the No. 2 dude at Sixx Design, and his eyebrows legitmately rival those of Nate Archibald on Gossip Girl. They are totally fucking resplendent. I just composed a symphony in honor of this dude's eyebrows. I'm trying to decide if he's gay or not, and I'm kind of leaning toward no. Gay or nay, he's pretty smokin either way (sorry this was the ONLY pic I could find...get your act together Bravo! We want more George!!).

So, George is tasked with placing an ad to find the Novos a nanny (they want to be able to work, and go out on dates! I mean, so fucking cute, right?). Bob jokes that he wants someone hot, but mostly they just decide that instead of saying that they 7 kids in the ad, they'll just say "large Manhattan family." Smooth move, fer sure.

In yet another example of why the Novo kids aren't total fucking douches: we have the Bellamy/Tallulah cell phone sitch that was also brewing. In pretty much ANY other family of their financial means and sophistication in NYC, the kids would probably all be given cell phones as soon as they learned how to speak (or the second they asked for one...whichever came first). Bellamy, who is 10, desperately wants a cell phone and has apparently been pining away for one for years. Talluluah doesn't really give a crap, but she's going along cause she's probs thinking "well, if they wanna give me a fucking cell phone, I'll take it."

Anyway, rather than just saying fine and buying the damn phones, the Novos have continually said NO, stressing that its a big responsibility to have a phone. Finally Cort decides to make the girls write a list of 10 reasons she should consider getting them a phone. And they came up with some srsly good shit! Like:

• To use for emergencies
• In case they need to get picked up early
• To say goodnight if they are having a sleepover at a friend's
• (and my fave) In case they get stranded on a desert island

I mean, these girls actually took this seriously, and worked on a REAL list to share with their mom! Because they honestly were not sure that she was going to buy it for them.  And then later Cortney asked them about their assignment and went through each item with them! I mean, they all just seem like good, sweet kids. Mostly I like that they don't remind me of this picture AT ALL:

And in the end the girls got their damn phones, but after 2 years of begging and a well-thought out, comprehensive list, those little mamas deserved it.

The nanny interviews were mostly uninteresting until some bitch named Rainbow Star came onto the scene (she told the Novos that the "Star" is silent!). This bitch was cray cray and was talking about Auras, and telling Bob-n-Cort not to have any more bebes b/c 8 was a very unlucky number, and all sorts of other bullshit. They I would have been snorting and rolling my eyes-n-shit but the Novos were actually pretty pleasant through the whole thing.

Then gorgeous George came in and told them he was punking their asses and that Rainbow was actually his friend Dolores Greenberg or some shit like that. I gotta admit, it was pretty fucking hilars.

So they hired this Hungarian woman Andrea who told them that her favorite movie was flashdance and then unashamedly acted out this scene:

K-I-D-D-I-N-G. Jayzus ppl, lighten up. She did the whole running in place thing. It was cute and she was, clearly, the only one for the job.

Then there was a whole bunch of boring kids party shit, and her first day turned into a RULLY, RULLY challenging one.

Ok, so I still truly, madly, deeply love this show, *but* I'm getting a bit concerned that our asses are going to get bored. I mean, there is no fighting, there is no backstabbing, there is NO yelling, and I kind of don't know what to do with that. I'm obsessed with NYC real estate, so I'll probably be ok, but mostly I'm worried about you guys! CAUSE I CARE!!!

Anyway.

Of course Cortney finished up the house in like 3 days, and it looked totally fucking adorable. Loved the white, white, white, the stenciling on the stairs, and yeah: those maps on the front porch were TDF. Sidenote: Hey Bravo, can you get a friggin photography intern or something to take a decent goddamned photo?? You bitches are not giving me a lot to work with here. Sheesh.

Next week:

It looks like there might be an eensy teensy widdle bit of tension when (oH NOES!) Cort-n-Bob want to each throw a benefit on the very same night!! OMGZ!! I wonder if they will combine their benefits and make it one big gigantic, cutesy, we love each other benefit!!??

Comments

[Jenny Motley]

And what about the making waffles scene? That kid made some fucking waffles like it was her day job.
Oh, and I totes agree about the videography/photography. I was dying for a better look at how the gawd awful master bath tile turned out. As it was, they only showed a sorta semi-tight shot for 0.38 seconds. My gah!

[Design Blahg]

@Jenny: You are TOTALLY right...I forgot about the waffles. Shit, I don't even know how to make waffles and I'm 30 blah blah blah