[THINGS IN HIS HOUSE THAT MAKE ME SAD] Weird Candles

There are many things in his apartment that make Anna Goldfarb from Shmitten Kitten sad (sometimes glad, but mostly sad). She's promised to tell us all about them (yay!).

Why does it smell like a locker room filled with rotten apples in here? Oh, that's his candle? He's trying to make his house smell like this on purpose? Oy vey.

I don't hate all candles, just stinky, old, dusty, disfigured ones that punch me in the face with their stench. Who wants to smell spiced apples when it's practically summer? At least make your shitty candle seasonally appropriate. Throw me a clean linen or sea breeze, dude!

Where did he get it? Maybe it was a present from a co-worker at last year's Christmas party? Or, maybe his sister gave it to him for his birthday? Who knows?

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[THINGS IN HIS HOUSE THAT MAKE ME SAD] The Cracked, Hardened Bar of Soap In His Shower

There are many things in his apartment that make Anna Goldfarb from Shmitten Kitten sad (sometimes glad, but mostly sad). She's promised to tell us all about them (yay!).

Let's put it like this: if I was on the subway and this soap sat down next to me, I'd get up and move to another subway car. What the hell are you doing to it? It's hardened and cracked, like Charles Bukowski's nose. This soap is basically a country song in soap-form; it probably has a drinking problem and hasn't talked to its kids in years. Oh man. It has more streaks in it than the quad on campus during homecoming week.

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[THINGS IN HIS HOUSE THAT MAKE ME SAD] A Clackity Dell Desktop

There are many things in his apartment that make Anna Goldfarb from Shmitten Kitten sad (sometimes glad, but mostly sad). She's promised to tell us all about them (yay!).

Oh my god, I hate your computer. No one owns a Dell on purpose unless you're an NYU student in 1997. Just typing my username into Gmail feels like I'm playing a sticky instrument. Ewwww!

Does this piece of shit only run Internet Explorer?

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[THINGS IN HIS HOUSE THAT MAKE ME SAD] Weird, Random Foodstuffs In His Cabinets

There are many things in his apartment that make Anna Goldfarb from Shmitten Kitten sad (sometimes glad, but mostly sad). She's promised to tell us all about them (yay!).

Rooting through your cabinets is a total free-for-all: Nothing has a label on it. Rolled oats are in unmarked mason jars. Bags of lentils are piled on top of one another like Jabba the Hut's chin. Who knows where or how any of these foodstuffs were secured.

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[THINGS IN HIS HOUSE THAT MAKE ME SAD] Low Beds

There are many things in his apartment that make Anna Goldfarb from Shmitten Kitten sad (sometimes glad, but mostly sad). She's promised to tell us all about them (yay!).

If I roll over and am eye-level with your shoes, it's a problem. I hate this low bed. It's useless! I am not a fan of kneeling down to go to sleep. I like a normal bed at least a few feet off the ground. That's just me. If you can't stash a plastic bin from the Container Store under your bed, it's too low!

I'm not sure if you have something against box springs or have a fear of heights or what, but this low bed is bumming me out.

CONTINUE READING