[BITCH-SPIRATION] DOUCHEY CO-WORKER YOU HATE BUT HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE

You guys have "inspiration boards" and mood boards," but that ain't my thang. Here at Design Blahg, we've got "Bitch-spiration boards." Here's what I'm bitch-spired by today: DOUCHEY CO-WORKER YOU HATE BUT HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE

We’ve all got ‘em.  They’re constantly talking, and whether or not you’re actually listening (you’ve got your headphones on for Christ’s sake!), it doesn’t matter to them. 

When they’re not guilting you into coming out after work for happy hour, they’re dragging you into the bathroom to tell you some benign bit of gossip that you don’t care about. They send high priority all staff emails about deeply personal things that should NEVER be shared, like, ever, in the history of the world. 

If you're thinking, "This isn't me, I'm not an asshole like that"—GOOD.  But if you have aspirations to be someone out of Office Space, get to your nearest generic supply store and pick up some of this shit...

1. OMG COFFEE LOL: Every working stiff loves coffee, right? RIGHT?  Well, I don't, but I don't usually openly admit that because so many people subscribe to the "I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink coffee" douchery.  Anyway, this "We are happy to serve you" mug can be found at various retailers all over the place, and it will come in handy for when you're complaining incessantly about how you can't do your work until you have your coffee.  "I can't function without my morning cup of joe!" you say.  Listen, we're all grumpy in the morning.  On any given day while commuting in New York City, we witness at least 15 felonies before we get in the door.  I get that all you want to do is sit for a minute and decompress, but shut the fuck up while you're doing it.  I'm not even trying to talk to you.  I don't need to know how "serious" your caffeine addiction is, unless you want me to tell you all about my debilitating alcohol addiction.  I didn't think so.

2. Stupid Family Photos: Fine, fine.  Photos of loved ones may be the only thing that helps you get through the day, I know.  Looking at a picture of your beautiful child might remind you why you sold your soul to the advertising devil so you could provide a life for them that's dripping with all of the material things that are SO important, and also remind you of why you shouldn't jump out the window after that presentation didn't go so well.  But, please, lordy lordy PLEASE, don't shove that shit under my nose the second I come by your desk. 

3. Megaphone: Why is it that the minute that you get on the phone it sounds like you're yelling into a goddamned megaphone?  "HIIIIIIIIIII BOB.  I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?!!! GREAT!! SO LET'S SPEND 20 MINUTES WASTING TIME AND ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING, OKAY?  SOUNDS GOOD!!!"  Why are you screaming about things like backflow synergy and marketplace data anyway?  Neither of those things are remotely scream-worthy, so can you keep it down?  My head is about to explode with rage.     

4. Giant Fucking Headphones: While the megaphones and family photos might be for the older obnoxious co-worker, the giant headphones are for the "cool" co-worker.  You know, the one who wears t-shirts and sneakers every day and wonders why he's not taken seriously.  Of course, these headphones are noise-cancelling, so you could be getting fucking stabbed to death by the creepy mailroom guy over in the next cubicle and your work buddy would be listening to Taylor Swift on full-blast, totally unaware of your imminent demise.  

5. Headset: Hey, what's up, Jerry Maguire?  I must have gotten hit on the head and transported back to 1996.  You've got a headset because you're a V-I-P, but in reality, it makes you look like an A-S-S.  What?  You're so busy you can't use your hands?  Please, you're not multi-tasking during that conference call.  You're shopping online, checking Facebook, or searching for another job.  I know it, you know it, we all know it.  Lose the headset, Ally McBeal—nothing looks worse than the mid-90's. 

6. Smelly lunch: The next person who brings in some fish for lunch is gonna get capped like Tupac up in here—I'm not even joking.  Who do you think you are, making this place smell like the dumpster outside of Red Lobster?  Just bring a sandwich or a salad like everyone else who isn't a giant assclown.  If you're thinking, "But fish is so healthy and it contains so many vitamins and omega-B52's," newsflash: I STILL DON'T CARE.  Eat it for dinner, in the privacy of your smelly, smelly apartment.

7. SOOOOO MUCH WORK: You have "soooo much work to do" but somehow you can come in late, leave early, and find copious amounts of time to spend bitching  about how much work you have.  Here's an idea: DO YOUR FUCKING WORK, then you might not have so much.  Just a suggestion.

So there you have it—Bitch-spiration for how to be the douchey co-worker that everyone hates.  If you were reading along at any point and thought, "Hey, that's me!," you should apologize immediately to everyone around you.  No, not your family members—Come on,  I know you're reading this at work.