[CATALOGGED] Restoration Hardware: The Spring Collection

Listen, I like Restoration Hardware.  Some of their stuff is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.  But sometimes they take the distressed, restored, refurbished schtick a little too far.  Incorporate a few pieces and your place will look chic.  Buy a few too many, and your place will look like you're about to go on an expedition to determine whether the world is round.  

Take these "literary accents."  A set of four antique, uncovered book bundles for $29.  Yellowed books have character if you've been carrying around a copy of War and Peace for 50 years.  Or if your grandfather handed down a copy of his favorite book that's now musty, torn, and otherwise falling apart.  Call me crazy, but I think you should probably fill your bookshelves with books you've actually read. 

It's like buying pre-faded, pre-ripped jeans.  The whole joy in owning something that's tattered and torn is that it has a unique history with you and you alone.  Oh, there's where I spilled coffee on it (or in my case, Jagermeister).  This page is missing because I ripped it out to give a girl my phone number who never even fucking called me back anyway.  You get the idea. 

But buying pre-yellowed, pre-worn book bundles to put on your shelves couldn't be more douchey.  Girrrrrrl, you iz false as hell.

But really, are you even surprised?  Look at the this picture of Gary Friedman, Restoration Hardware's CEO.  He's the epitome of pretentious.  There's something about this guy that says, "I can drop $20,000 on a lamp," and that really just makes me want to punch him in the face.  In his headshot in the front of the catalog he's wearing an ASCOT.  Nice to see you, Richie Rich. 

But enough complaining.  Here are some pieces that I loved.

Mayfair Steamer Cube ($995): Remember that cheap steamer trunk that you carted off to college that you plastered with all kinds of stupid band stickers?  Yeah, well, for $1K, you ain't gonna do that now.  But look at how handsome this is!  No Ani DiFranco stickers on this guy.  This is the type of shit they brought onto the Titanic.  Women, children, and steamer trunks first!

Subway Sign Art ($595): Okay, so we all hate the subway with the heat of 1,000 burning suns, but there's just something hip about posters with typography, am I right?  And hey, if you're like me and you spend $89 every month just to experience train delays, service outages, and the lingering smell of 750 homeless people, it's nice to have an homage to your daily struggles hanging on your walls.  These are the visible badges of honor that your Metrocard will NEVER be. 

Pillar Candle Chandelier ($925-$1,595): This is the kind of thing that seems like a good idea until you realize that you will have to climb on top of your goddamned dining room table every single time you want to light that thing.  Also, by "light," I mean you need a blow torch in order to reach all of those stupid candles.  Also, since candles are made of wax and you're lighting them on fire, you'll have to keep a stockpile of them in reserve to replace them after your dinner party.  It sounds exhausting.  The only way you should buy this is if you have a maid or housekeeper or amiable spouse who can deal with all of this candleabra bullshit.  Otherwise, some old-fashioned track lighting will work just fine.