[Design on TV #3] 30 Rock

Design on TV is a new recurring column that allows TV fanatics to step into their favorite show's world by offering up a list of real-life items that will allow you to trick out your place in that show's signature fashion.  Some people call it "homage."  Some people call it "sick."  We call it "entertaining."

Design on TV #3: 30 Rock

When Tina Fey accepted an Emmy in the show's first year, she thanked her "dozens and dozens of viewers."  That's the kind of self-deprecation and irreverence that: 1.) makes everyone love Tina Fey and 2.) makes everyone love 30 Rock.

Everyone knows that 30 Rock is based on Tina Fey's own experiences as a writer on Saturday Night Live.  We follow Fey as Liz Lemon, head writer at TGS on NBC.  In the beginning, Lemon was often thwarted by her high-powered executive boss, Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), but now they're buddies and they have the best boss/employee dialogue in the history of television (as in, "Hey, look at this video of a panda sneezing!  How adorable, right?  YOU HAVE TO FIRE 10% OF YOUR STAFF").  I could ramble on for hours about the hilarious hijinks of the folks over at 30 Rock, but let's just get to it.    

Really, what makes 30 Rock so amazing is that every character gets hilarious lines that suit their own ridiculous personalities.  So, instead of having one cohesive look (a la Dexter and Weeds), we're gonna do this shit up where we give each character their time in the sun.  And seriously, we know that Liz Lemon and her little badger face could use some sun exposure. 

Goddamn, I am more ready for this than I was for my Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.    

Liz "I'm 37, don't make me go to Brooklyn" Lemon: Our heroine is a junk food junkie who dreams of Astronaut Mike Dexter and accidentally dates lesbians (okay, so it was just that one time back in Season 1, but I'll never get over it).  

Festiva Cheese Board (Target, $29.99): No one makes the depressing act of eating your feelings more hysterical than good old Liz Lemon.  Next time she's working on her night cheese, I'm sure she'd love to have this cheese board.  It's sleek and affordable, and if you're using it in the privacy of your own home, no one will know that you polished off that 1 lb. block of cheddar cheese by yourself in one sitting. 

Mini Robo Vaccuum (Fred Flare, $20): Speaking of eating, Liz does a great deal of it in her office (or, as Jack calls it, the storage closet), causing her to make a mess, get lettuce in her hair and stains on her shirt.  Check this guy out!  With the power of two AA batteries, the Mini Robo Vaccuum will spring into action on your desk, collecting crumbs and such from lunch. Basically, it helps nerds stay tidy, and that's a community service, when you think about it.  

Wesley Snipes Collection (Amazon, $13.49): Let's play a little word association game.  What do you think of when you hear the words "Wesley Snipes?"  Black guy?  Jail time?  Karate?  ALL WRONG.  The only Wesley Snipes that is relevant anymore is Liz's dorky, irritating would-be fiance.  The season finale showed Liz walking out on her engagement with Wesley for an uncertain future with an airplane pilot, but I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll be seeing Wesley around REAL SOON.  The Wesley Snipes Collection features 4 classic movies from the illustrious catalog of one of the greatest actors of our generation.  And for $13.49, I can't be the only one who doesn't want to watch "New Jack City" over and over, right?

Cashmere Throw (Williams-Sonoma, $198): Salma Hayek once famously asked, "Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?," which is QUITE the image, but when you spend as much time in front of the TV (and eating dairy) as Liz does, you should have something nicer than a Slanket to cover up with.  This cashmere throw from Williams-Sonoma is classy and comfortable—even the ever-critical Jack Donaghy would approve!  Bonus: for an extra $6, you can get the throw mongrammed with "TGS."  Ludachristmas presents, anyone? 

Jack "Backflow Synergy" Donaghy: I always thought I identifed more with Liz Lemon, what with my perpetual singlehood, my skin issues, and my inability to stop myself from making snide comments, even (especially?) in professional situations—I'm starting to reassess the situation.  What do you think of when you think of Jack Donaghy?  Booze?  Expensive stuff?  Rampant narcissism?  Check, check, and CHECK.  Now, if only I could get his salary (As Kenneth would say, "Look at all of those zeros!"). 

Manhattan Traveling Bar ($119.99): If you're like Jack and I, you're one step away from being featured on an episode of Intervention.  I'm kidding, I'm kidding.  Okay, not really.  Whatever, SHUT UP EVERYONE (Wouldn't Intervention be a great "Design on TV" subject?  Do they make designer crack pipes?  I'll look into it).  But really, what do you do when you're an on-the-go executive that needs a drink to get through the day? BAM!  The Manhattan Traveling Bar.  Close it up, and it looks like a handsome leather briefcase.  Oh, what's in here?  Just a copy of Don Geiss's will and my plans for world domination and product integration synergy!  Open it up, and your day just got A LOT easier.  Cheers!  

Kensington Leather Grand Sofa (Restoration Hardware, $4045-$5665): Jack really doesn't need one of these since he's got at least two of them in his office, but I, for one, do need one (in case anyone wants to buy one for me).  Nothing says "classy," "old money," and "unable to establish any real level of intimacy" like a handsome, brown leather couch.  Sign me up!

French Empire Bed (Restoration Hardware, $2,495): This past season, Jack has been swept up in a love triangle between Avery (Elizabeth Banks) and Nancy (Julianne Moore) and he just CAN'T choose!  Avery is gorgeous, stylish, smart, and dead inside—just like Jack!  Nancy is down-to-earth, brings Jack back to his ragtag working class roots, and also happens to have the worst imitation Boston accent I've ever heard in my life (Julianne, you were nominated for an Oscar like 700 times, for fuck's sake!  Take some voice lessons!).  This gorgeous king-size bed has room for all three of them (if you're into that freaky-deaky stuff), so Jack will never have to choose.  

Viking Custom Range:  This Viking range is so fancy that you have to ask for a quote in order to find out how much it's going to cost you (my grandfather always said, if you have to ask how much something is, you can't afford it), but it's perfect for the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming.  You can get it in customized colors, but we all know that the classic stainless steel is the way to go for Jack.  Think of all of the overcooked Irish pot roasts Nancy could make for him!

Tracy "Ima take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant" Jordan: The resident charlatan of the group, Tracy Jordan's existence is two-fold: 1.) To make everyone's life more difficult and 2.) Drop truth bombs. 

As the star of TGS, Tracy gets away with everything, whether it's abusing Kenneth, annoying Liz, or embarassing Jack at charity golf tournaments ("Can I have some watermelon and BBQ chips because apparently I'm only here to exist as a stereotype!"). 

Red Tufted Leather Sofa (Neiman Marcus, $5,200): If you have the urge to get someone pregnant but there are no middle schools in the general vicinity, the second place winner for nookie venues is on top of this gorgeous red leather sofa.  It's funky and cool, but classy enough to also double as a place to chat with your friend (like Arsenio Billingham, perhaps) about what's on your mind grapes. 

Jaws Shower Curtain (Fred Flare, $20): Tracy lives every week like it's Shark Week, so what better way to live out this life motto than by having a scary shark curtain in your bathroom?

Breville Smart Grill & Griddle (Williams-Sonoma, $299.95): Whoopi Goldberg may have taken over the endorsement of the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine, but our guy still needs to eat.  Angie, Kenneth, Grizz, or DotCom could cook up all of Tracy's favorite foods in a snap on this grill-slash-griddle (I won't list them so I can avoid looking like a racist for 5 minutes of my life).  Bonus: this one will cook your food without the painful, painful scaldings that Tracy's eponymous Meat Machine doled out (I think). 

Mock Oscar Statue: Tracy is deep in the pursuit of the elusive EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony), but let's face it: he's never gonna win even one of those with Honky Grandma and Who Dat Ninja (okay, maybe a Grammy).  So, he's going to have to get creative, and by "creative," I mean he's gonna have to buy fakes and pass them off as the real thing. For like $10, you can buy this little gem and even get it personalized, so say things like "Best Husband," "Best Housekeeper," and my personal favorite, "Best Sandwich Artist."       

Jenna "Me Want Food" Maroney: Just when you thought you were all tuckered out with Tracy's antics, along comes Jenna and her raging insecurities that bubble up to the surface like a giant cauldron of crazy.  Shallow and ridiculous, Jenna was Liz's best friend back in Chicago, but now she serves as a constant reminder of what one two many dye jobs can do to your mind grapes.     

Perspective Mirror (CB2, $149): Vanity, vanity.  People like Liz Lemon and I could never be movie stars because we have brown hair, but Jenna is pure star material.  What with her dramatic turn in The Rural Juror and Mystic Pizza: The Musical ("When life keeps giving you anchovies/just cover them up with some extra cheese/AND MAKE A PIZZA WITH WHAT YOU GOT"), a lady has got to look GOOD if she's going to keep getting these choice roles.  That's why she needs to keep looking in the mirror—but surprise!  This one has a little fun house element to it, you know, just to keep shit real.  

Metro Train Make-Up Case (Sephora, $110): If you're like Jenna, you are SERIOUS about make-up.  And if you're serious, then you'll want this giant make-up kit that's named after the subway for some reason. Think about how sleek you'll look, carting around a 20 lb. case of beauty products.  I think this baby even has room to store your debilitating insecurities!  That, and your hemorrhoid cream, because after playing that lady rapist on Law & Order, you know that it totally reduces the bags under your eyes.        

Karaoke System (Best Buy, $129.99): Jenna is always looking for an excuse to sing, so what better way to belt out "Midnight Train to Georgia" or "The Greatest Love of All" than with your very own karaoke machine?  I bet it even has "Don't Cry Out Loud" on there, but let's be real—none of us need the on-screen lyrics, we know the words by heart! 

 
Gold Leaf Picture Frame: Truth be told, if you're a self-absorbed dbag, you're going to have a lot of photos of yourself around.  If you've even watched one episode of MTV Cribs, you know this is true.  You've got some fool showing you their fourteenth bedroom and they're all like, "Yeah, here's an oil painting of me, sitting on a throne, next to a lion eating a disadvantaged child," and you're like GODDAMN, third member of Destiny's Child, I don't even know your name and you STILL have so much money that you can commission paintings with lions eating children! Moral of the story: rich people like looking at themselves. Hell, I'm not rich or even that attractive and I still love looking at myself.  This frame will be perfect for Jenna because 1.) She can showcase herself and her boyfriend (AKA: the luckiest schman in the world!) and 2.) it straddles the fine line between antique and gaudy, and most stupid people can't tell the difference between the two (I'm looking at you, D. Trump!).  

Kenneth "I just love television so much" Parcell: Kenneth, an NBC page and resident TGS punching bag, basically represents what every single person working in media in New York City was before the crushing reality of life set in and ate all of our souls from the inside out. Permanently starry-eyed and content with working in television in the "Big Apple," Kenneth's can-do attitude and down-home Southern charm is an equal mix of endearing and obnoxious.

Philips Clock Radio (Overstock.com, $25.31): While everyone else strives for EGOTs, dramatic starring roles in Janis Joplin biopics, a relationship with an imaginary astronaut, and the ability to sleep with Elizabeth Banks and Julianne Moore at the same time, Kenneth's desires are decidedly simpler.  Dude just wants a clock radio. That's it.  In his negotiations with NBC to start a new reality show called Gold Case, all the payment he wanted was a goddamned clock radio (Hey Moon Vest!).  Bless his tiny trailer trash heart.  I say we finally give it to him.  And really, why play the devil's music on an iHome when you can wake up to conservative Christian talk radio?  

Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe Machine ($79.99): We all know that Kenneth can't drink warm beverages because "that's the devil's temperature," but with all of the running around that he has to do to keep the divas at TGS happy, the guy has to get a dose of caffeine.  This iced frappe machine allows Kenneth to get all of the caffeine without any of the sin.  And if any of you heathens are thinking, "Why do you need a machine to make iced coffee when all you have to do is add ice to regular coffee," I say, SHUT UP, YOU SINNERS.   

Doorganizer (Fred Flare, $4.99):  Kenneth loves to be efficient, and these Doorganizers will help him stay on top of his game.  All everyone has to do is put them on their door knobs, and fill them with things that they want him to do.  Someone needs to remember to tell Tracy that Japanese Fighting Fish need water to live, and therefore, shouldn't be placed in the Doorganizer when he wants Kenneth to feed them.  

Wilkerson M21 Flat Panel TV: Kenneth's love of TV is so strong that even when Jack tried to help him get a new job with the Bottom's Up program, he insisted on staying, saying, "More than jazz, musical theatre, and morbid obesity, television is the true American artform!"  This retro-style TV showcases a modern flatscreen panel in an old-school wooden frame, giving a retro look perfect for those who are out of touch. Wouldn't old Laverne & Shirley reruns look great on here? 

So that's it.  If you made it to the end of this epic post, I love you so much that I'm gonna take you out back behind the middle school and get you pregnant.  No, seriously.  Call me.