[Design on TV #4] The Golden Girls

Design on TV is a new recurring column that allows TV fanatics to step into their favorite show's world by offering up a list of real-life items that will allow you to trick out your place in that show's signature fashion.  Some people call it "homage."  Some people call it "sick."  We call it "entertaining."

Design on TV #4: The Golden Girls

Let's face it.  It's kind of crazy that a show that could be described as "slutty grandmas and their hilarious antics" could be so popular, but I know I'm not alone in saying that this show is seriously one of my favorites of all time. 

The geriatric hijinks of Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sofia proved that a bunch of old broads could make America laugh—consistently—for seven seasons.  And thanks to reruns on Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel, we ain't never gonna forget these ladies, long after they all die off (WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACK, BETTY WHITE).

   

Up until 1985 (apparently—I can't really say because I wasn't alive), everyone thought life ended at retirement.  You go gray, you move to Florida, and you putter around until you drop dead one day in your garden or trying to get out of the shower.  BAM!  Enter The Golden Girls, where a bunch of sassy ladies let everyone know that just because you're knocking on death's door, doesn't mean that you can't also be knocking boots. 

The Golden Girls followed the classic sitcom style, where they established the characters and their quirks, but had no running storylines.  So they went to 2,000 charity balls, dated 700 men (683 of those belonged to Blanche, BTW), and ate 354 cheesecakes, all while making hysterical wisecracks.  Listen—I'm pretty much dead inside, and I still crack up at these ladies, even though I've seen every episode about 400 times.  

But enough embarassing gushing about a bunch of dead ladies, pussycat.  Head out to the lanai and picture it:  

1. Martinique Wallpaper: The Golden Girls' style has long been reviled.  Pastel everything, wicker and bamboo furniture, wearing drapes as outfits (I'm looking at you, Dorothy), etc.  Sofia once said that she didn't want to use Blanche's bathroom because it felt like she was peeing in the jungle.  Do you want to feel that way, too?  Look no further than this terrible Martinique wallpaper.  If you love sitting on the toilet in total fear that a tiger might jump out at any moment and eat your face, this is the wallpaper for you!

 

2. Woven Vessels (West Elm, $49.99): At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to find anything that would fit the style of The Golden Girls that anyone would actually want anywhere near their homes, but after browsing through the offerings at West Elm, I realized that it COULD be done.  After more browsing, I wondered if the old set designer from The Golden Girls founded West Elm.  I mean, this shit is kind of uncanny.  Anyway, these vessels are allegedly good for holding dried blooms and branches—a perfect way to indulge your inner grandma, and way better than having an expensive vase (or "vahhhhzzzzze"), because we all know that Rose will shoot that thing up in the middle of the night when she thinks burglars are breaking in.      

3. Wicker Patio Set ($699.98): The good people over at Toulon might call this thing a "patio set," but we all know that it's a LANAI SET.  Think of how many games of Gin Rummy you could play on this!  Of course, your game will be ruined when Rose settles in to tell a bunch of St. Olaf stories.  Your games will be finished faster than you can say, "Hi, it's me, Stan."

   

4. Spun Rattan Entertaining Vessels (West Elm, $16-29): Back on over at Grandma's R Us, West Elm, they've got these cute rattan platters and baskets, perfect for when you're gonna stuff a chicken like your mama taught you (if you knew that reference before you clicked on this link, you win my infinite respect and admiration).  Maybe you could even serve a cheesecake in here?  THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

 

5. Faux Potted Palm (Target, $79.99): Nothing says "Golden Girls" like a potted palm tree.  This thing practically screams, "Miami, you've got style!," and definitely NOT "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice."

6. Bahamian Nights Comforter ($84): Is your bedroom set so ugly that only someone with cataracts would see it and still want to sleep with you?  Mel Bushman, you are in luck!  Look at this craptastic Bahamian Nights comforter up for grabs on TropicalLinens.com (white wicker headboard and framed photos of dead husbands not included).  Can't you just feel the sweet ocean breeze just looking at it?

7.  Organic Bloom Duvet Cover (West Elm, $69-99): If you want to go the tropical breeze route without making your eyes bleed, West Elm has a slightly better alternative in its Organic Bloom set.  You'll be spending plenty of hot nights under there (literally, because you have hot flashes).  

 

So that's it.  Really, you should learn about comic timing and sassy remarks from the Golden Girls instead of home decorating tips, but whatever—thank you for being a friend.