[FLIPPING OUT RECAP] Episode 2: Hard To Break Family

It's week two in the new season of Flipping Out, and since week one was a lame new-season-appetizer, we skipped rehashing it. But now, the season's really gettin' cranking. I'm so happy to be reunited with my favorite dysfunctional work family.

The big question this week is, how many times can Jeff's assistant Sarah screw up? Had I realized this was the theme early on, I would have played it as a drinking game, had a shot every time she made a mistake, and you would find me face down, ass up, passed out on my living room floor.

When it comes to assisting, people, I know of what I speak. I worked as an agent's assistant in Hollywood for two years - picture Ari from Entourage, make her female, add an angry dog in the corner of the office - that was my boss. After that, I was an assistant to an actor/producer for almost five years. Hmm, let's see, a quick Google search reveals - yep, there's my angry-at-the-paparazzi face. I'm so sexy when I'm mad, right?

Sarah is the dumb blonde that was added to Jeff's team last year. She is also - stay with me now - Jeff's brother's wife's sister. Jeff claims that he was told by his family that he could never fire her. He shouldn't have hired her in the first place. Let's get real: one of Jeff's biggest problems is that he doesn't hire good people. I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with his habit of hiring incompetent employees, complaining about them, and yelling at them. It's a pattern, friends, and not the kind that looks good on a kitchen backsplash.

Now. First things first. Is it just me, or does Sarah look like Red the Fraggle? Thought so.

Clue #1 that Sarah is an airhead comes when Jeff says to her, "remember to go to the bathroom before we leave". Jeff is assuming the caretaker role. For his assistant.  Once Jeff and Sarah are in the car heading to their first appointment, Sarah admits that she doesn't have directions to the place. Jeff seems almost happy that she's disappointed him, so that he can pipe up with, "a good assistant always knows where we're going and how to get there, so obviously you're not a good assistant."

He continues, "This morning, you did your hair and makeup for 20 minutes. You were prepping for the day, but not the kind of prep I need. You look great. You're totally unprepared, but you look great."

Statements like this are why I love him. I can't explain it further than that. You either get it or you don't.

Sarah shakes her iced Starbuck's and says to Jeff, "thanks for my drinkie-poo." Whaa? I'm hoping that she just means that he paid for it, but her ass better have gone into the Bucks herself. If she's not ordering the coffee, she's breaking the First Commandment of Assisting: Thou Shalt Always Get Thy Boss's Coffee.

Jeff's client Chaz Dean, owner of the salon bungalows on Cole, wonders what the view would be like in his place if a window were cut out. Super Scrappy Jenni, always up for whatever needs to be done, hops out on the roof to report.

Sarah says that she wasn't able to get on the roof because of her high heels, breaking the Second Commandment of Assisting: Thou Shalt Wear Appropriate Work Attire For That Day's Appointments. This assumes, of course, that you're aware of the day's appointments. Sarah most likely doesn't know where she's supposed to be ten minutes from now.

Oh yeah, design note, the before and afters of the first two bungalows are great. As an audience, sure we love the interpersonal drama, but don't we want more of the actual design work? I do, I really really do.  

On to the remodel of famous valley restaurant Casa Vega. If you don't know LA, you can only trust Jeff as he explains how legendary this place is, and let me assure you, he does not kid. The dinner wait is always at least an hour. Once you're seated, you feel like you've stepped into 1955, hence the remodel, but it is damn fine food. And coming from me, someone who 1) hates waiting in lines and 2) avoids the valley like it makes me ugly, this is quite an endorsement.

Mr. Vega, who may possibly be older than God, begins to flirt with Sarah and feed her nachos at the table as he peppers in Cary Grant stories (the look on Sarah's face says, "Karrie who?"). If Mrs. Vega is still on this earth, surely she choked on her burrito watching this episode. Sarah is happy to be the center of positive attention for once, even if it means she's the Casa Vega equivalent of a Playboy bunny.

Back in the car, Sarah's up to no good, breaking the Third Commandment of Assisting: Anticipate Your Boss's Needs. Jeff asks her to remind him what he needs to speak to someone about, and she has no clue. This brings us to The Fourth Commandment of Assisting: Always Have The Needed Information. Jeff needs to call someone named Chris, and Sarah doesn't have his number.

Sarah sound bite: "Just because we're related, that doesn't make a difference. Business is business with Jeff." Please, hit me over the head with a piece of travertine before I throw her off of the salon roof.

Fifth Commandment of Assisting: Take Copious Notes. Jeff asks Sarah about come cabinet specifics and she looks at him crosseyed.

Sarah: "I do really well working for Jeff. Unless, I forget things, which comes from not writing things down."

Yeah, I'm rich. Except I'm not, cuz I have no money. Contradictory statements rock!  

Sixth Commandment of Assisting: Make Sure Everything Is Where It's Supposed To Be At All Times. Sarah takes the company credit card home, for like the fourth time. She is punished by having to wear what she calls the "Smock of Shame", a white painter's jumpsuit (see above). While this *is* funny punishment, I want to believe that I would never succumb to something this humiliating. We'll never know, though, because I am actually a good assistant and do not require punishment.

Seventh Commandment of Assisting: Every Detail Is Important. Sarah forgets to cross things off her list as they get done. She is basically flying blind, just putting one dumb, smock-footed foot in front of another.

Jeff: "I'm trying to mold Sarah into Jenni." Ugh! Impossible! You ignorant fool!

Eighth Commandment of Assisting: No Job Is Beneath You. As Jeff helps to hold a dirty cat litter box (I don't know of a boss that would do this), Sarah says that having to clean it out makes her want to "throw up in her mouth".

I want to throw up on her head, but not because of dirty cat litter.

As the show ends for the week, Jeff says, "Sarah, on the whole, is doing well", causing me to throw a shoe at my television and realize that all of these people are residents of Crazytown, and Jeff deserves this most laughable excuse for an assistant, because ultimately, he thrives on chaos.

If I spent one month as that man's assistant, his projects would be flawless, his clients would be happy, he'd have a boyfriend, the adopted child he's always wanted, he'd be back in the gym instead of complaining that he has no time to work out, and oh yeah, I would make Sarah my bitch.