[Round-Up] Urban Picnic

The Fourth of July is upon us, and if you're going to be stuck in the city while people who are richer and prettier than you frolick on beaches and live out their holiday weekend like a Sag Harbor ad, don't resign yourself to some shitty barbeque with charred hot dogs and overcooked burgers.  Don't let yourself believe that the only time you'll spend outside is the few brief moments that you're on your fire escape right before you jump off.     

We've put together a round-up of cool picnic and BBQ accessories (or, acoutrements, if you will) that will help you make your urban picnic so successful that those jerks out in the Hamptons will be green with envy.  Who needs a beach house when you've got a crowded public park swarming with the dregs of society and a collapsible grill?  Am I right?  Am I right? 

1.Kuhn Rikon Colori Paring Knives ($9.99): I've realized that I need to get one of these knives STAT, not because they're cool and come in various bright colors, but because whenever I have a BBQ, I throw everything I need into one giant bag, including a very sharp knife with no cover on it.  You know what really throws a wrench in a fun, happy BBQ?  BLOOD. 

2. X-Grill Portable Charcoal Barbeque ($49.95): This is the kind of grill I would have purchased if I wasn't such a dumbass.  Picture it: I'm all like, "Yeah, I'm gonna buy a grill and then I'm going to have all of these BBQs and refer to myself as the 'BBQ Baron' and get special aprons printed up."  So I bought a grill, and for some reason, I thought that since it was on wheels that it was also collapsible.  Guess what?  IT'S NOT.  It's a regular, mid-size grill on wheels and what makes this problematic is that my apartment has about the same amount of storage space as Anne Frank's annex.  So now I have to keep the grill in the corner of my kitchen like I'm on welfare.  But if you're not like me and you actually have cognitive reasoning skills (but don't have an excess of storage space in your apartment), you can buy the X-Grill.  This one actually IS collapsible, offering an 18" grilling surface, but folds flat, making it easy to store and even easier to carry.  Think of me when you're having the easiest time of your life with this grill, while I'm bumping into my giant grill in my kitchen every night when I'm drunk and just trying to get a glass of water.  You're welcome. 

3. Bold Collapsible Picnic Basket ($82): Are we seeing a theme here?  If you lived anywhere but New York, your monthly rent would get you a mansion with a huge yard and three-car garage.  But since you're an idiot and decided to move to the City That Never Shuts Up, and pursue a career in the souless media industry, you've learned to live lean, forgoing the purchase of items simply because you literally don't have room (unless, of course, you need a giant NON-collapsible Weber grill).  This collapsible picnic basket is insulated, and comes with some ugly melamine plates, glasses, and napkins.  Throw that shit out when you get it, and stock this thing with beer, wine, and cheese.  DONE.

4. Sunshine Blanket Tote ($24): Ask my friends about the time they showed up for a BBQ and I gave them all my bath towels to sit on instead of a blanket.  That was hilarious...until we all splayed out on the grass in the park like it was the goddamned beach.  We looked like buffoons.  What are we, the Terrycloth Mafia?  Save yourself the embarassment (and the piles of laundry), by picking up one of these guys.  Blanket on the top, PVC on the bottom, your asses won't get wet, even if the grass is damp.

5. Silicone Basting Brushes ($12.99): I love these things so much, mainly because they look cool and also because they're way easier to clean than the germ-infested pastry brushes with the bristles.  Think of all of the BBQ sauce you can slather on with these things.  You'll look so professional, and patriotic.

6. Metro BBQ Tote ($31.99): I think I've thoroughly covered why storage space is so important for urban picnickers, but portability is also key, mainly because you probably don't have a car and you're going to have to lug everything up and down the grody subway stairs, through the park, past the screaming children, and around the Johnson Family's Annual Reunion.  This tool kit includes tongs, a spatula, and a 17" BBQ fork that all bundle up nicely into a zip-up case complete with a carrying handle.  Fabulous.

7. Recycled Sail Totes ($98): Okay, so maybe these aren't picnic-specific, but I like them, and they're probably good at holding stuff like hamburger buns and plastic forks and knives.  They're made out of honest-to-god sails, and apparently they're made in Germany.  Germans sail?  Who knew?

8. Light My Fire Spicebox ($9.95): Maybe my favorite thing on the list, the Spicebox offers convenient and portable storage for—you guessed it—spices.  Three tiny compartments inside allow you to store salt, pepper, and whatever else (like my favorite, cayenne pepper).  It comes in a variety of colors and it also floats in water, so the next time you're taking a swim and have a hankering for some garlic powder, you're all set.  

9. Roots & Shoots Melamine Plates ($48): If you're thinking that you want to ditch the Chinet and serve your food on something classy, look no further than melamine.  Does it cause cancer?  Who cares, my BBQ is stylin'.

10. Sea to Summit X-Mug ($11.95): So it's obvious to me that this mug is for people who are climbing mountains, not parking their ass in a folding chair and polishing off a case of Natty Ice, but I enjoy it very much regardless of what it was originally intended for.  It's dishwasher safe and it can withstand hot liquids, collapsing flat when you're done with it.  Although, you really can't beat a good Solo cup when it comes to outdoor drinking.  

So, when July 4 rolls around, assemble yourself an Urban Picnic and try to forget all of those jerks that are off enjoying the good life in some glam locale.  I'll be in Prospect Park, but don't look too hard for me, because I'll probably be doing something illegal and I wouldn't want you to see me like that.