[DEAR DIARY] The 5 Stages of GOOP

Much like an actual death, my relationship with GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow's weekly know-it-all-y email, has evolved and grown through a variety of stages. Through this process, I've made a lot of mistakes, and learned much about myself.

I know that I really need to just take each day as it comes and grow from this experience, and so I thought it might be helpful for me to share with you the tricks and tips I've picked up along the way, in case you too are struggling with the same sorts of things.

Let's go on this journey together! GOOP!

Keep in mind that we all experience GOOP in different ways, but I find that its most helpful to correlate my journey with the five stages of grief.

So herewith, are the five stages of GOOP:

1. Denial:

The first time you hear about GOOP, you might be left thinking: "this can't be happening to me!" or "There is no way in fuck someone would voluntarily call their weekly newsletter GOOP! This *MUST* be a mistake!" Well, yes. Yes, it ireally is happening to you (b/c obvs you have to subscribe to this shit), and YES, it really is called GOOP. We couldn't believe it either, but its totally fucking true. And if you're being honest with yourself, in order to move on, you must accept this with an open heart and a temporarily (at least!) open, non-sarcastic and judge-y mind.

2. Anger:

Here's where shit starts to get real. You may have things like: WHOTHEFUCK DOES THIS GWYNETH PALTROW BITCH THINK SHE IS TELLING MEEEEE WHAT TO DO???" rolling on through your brain. It's ok! It's perfectly normal! You might even try to start roping your friends in by dashing off heated, angry emails or tweets: "She's rich. She's pretty. She's married to a rockstar. She's a fucking macrobiotic raw food eating vegan and now she thinks she can tell US what to do!? FUCK GWYNETH PALTROW....RIGHT IN HER FUCKING FACE," for example, might come rolling on through your inbox. Again, work through these feelings...they are leading you to a higher plane.

3. Bargaining:

As your anger over GOOP grows, you may be tempted to offer out other alternatives to the universe, "bargaining" away its existence. For example, you might play out scenarios like the following: Yo Gawd: Can't we switch shit up?? I mean, I'll take a weekly newsletter from Lindsay Lohan, Jon Gosselin, that chick from Celebrity Rehab who everyone hated (Keri Ann!) or fucking Ke$ha over Gwyneth...can you PLEASE make that happen??? And then something funny will go down. You'll start to open up GOOP as it arrives in your inbox each week, and "just so you know what the fuck you are complaining about" you'll start to read that shit. You'll do this for a couple of weeks, trying to maintain your anger and disdain, and then something unexpected will happen: you WILL start to like this bullshit! YOU WILL. It's weird, I know, but it will happen! And then it will be time for...wait for it...

4. Depression:

"WTF does this say about me as a person," you might be wondering. Because, if all goes as it should, you will now be person that *genuinely* likes GOOP, and that will be a VERY hard pill to swallow. Your brain will likely resist that state of mind, and so a depression is inevitable. You'll wonder if your friends now feel the same way, but feel shame at even thinking of asking them. So you'll sit at home, waiting for your GOOP email each week. You'll read it in private...in the dark...naked, even. And this shit will be hard to admit...to the world...to your loved ones, and even to yourself. This will continue for some time. Weeks, months, fuck I don't know: a while. And then one day, things will change (probably). 

5. Acceptance:

As time goes on, things will get better and more managable. You will incorporate GOOP into your routine, perhaps even setting up a folder in your email inbox to save previous versions. This folder will probably be secret and hidden inside another folder that has nothing to do with GOOP to throw anyone off who might see it, but still: it is THERE. When you start to feel rull bold, you might name drop GOOP in casual conversation at a dinner party, and that will feel kind of ok. Then one day, inevitably, you will wake up one fine morning and you will just scream out loud: FUCK IT! I LIKE GOOP!. At first you will probably just say it out loud to your pets and to your Edward Cullen posters, but that's OK!. Cause then, in turn, that will give you the courage to say it out loud in front of your friends, your co-workers and the supermarket check-out people at Trader Joes! You will be free! You will like GOOP and it will be OK! (probably!).

You will be dreaming of being able to afford a Tracy Anderson gym membership (like Gwynnie!) or wondering which wines to pair with what? (like Gwynnie!), or kissing Mario Batali's ass (like Gwynnie!) but I promise you: it will allll be worth it.

GET GOOP'D!