[DESIGN STAR RECAP] Episode 4: Flower Power

Well bitches, its been a wet hot American summer all up in this piece, and I for one missed the shit out of our favorite Design Star whack pack as I was sweating my ass off over the July 4th weekend. But, hooray! They were back last night and better than ever (and by better, of course, I mean way, way, WAY worse).

Mostly I'd just like to thank Gawd almighty up in heaven above for giving us the gift that is Nina. Whoever cast this show deserves a gigantic fucking raise for finding this mural obsessed, ego-maniacal, one trick my little pony, and I for one want to make sure they do not go unrecognized. I SALUTE YOU, HGTV CASTING DEPT!

Anyway, this week's challenge was near and dear to my heart as it involved flowers. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I actually wanted to be a real life floral designer. I took a bunch of classes at Parsons, and I had this brillz idea that I wanted to open up a combo bakery/flower shop called FLOUR. Then I realized that I'd have to wake up at 3am every day and work every weekend for the rest of my life, and my ass is far too lazy for that shit, so I abandoned ship. Much the same as everyone on this goddammned show has abandoned reality.

So all of the designers met up in the Flower District, and needed to pick a flower that best represented them. And then all the flowers were put together in a bouquet to represent each team (somehow Nina did NOT pick the snapdragon). YET AH-GAIN the judges gave them some bullshit Frankenstein challenge: the contestants needed to use their flowers to infuse a studio apt space with their OWN personality, but also make it totally work with the team's bouquet. So make sure you stand out...but not too much, cause then it won't gel with the team's design. SON OF A BITCH. At this stage of the game, I'm not sure we'd be seeing any different results if the instructions for the challenges were: "just go ahead and try to make your room look as shitty as possible."

Off on their shopping trips, the two teams discuss their inspirations: the guys seemed inspired by a maxi-pad commercial: "clean, minimal, soft, fresh and happy." Stayfree is copyrighting that shit as I type. The girls plus Dan were going for "romantic and loose," which may or may not be on the"about me" section of Nina's eharmony dating profile. Jus sayin.

Sidenote: have you noticed that Emily has t-o-t-a-l-l-y perfected her "STFU, I hate you Nina" look? This one was taken while Nina was insisting suggesting yet another one of her groundbreaking murals:

And can we PUH-LEEZ talk about this mural situation again!?

We're four weeks in and somehow we are all still talking about murals. Honestly, I blame the judges at this point as they're the ones who have rewarded Nina (twice now!) for lame, uninspired designs and shitty ass murals. But like when and where are murals a good idea? Can someone please tell me!? Unless your name is fucking Banksy, I urge you to please, please, please abandon any and all plans to paint murals in your home. I'm serious, ppl! I don't even like that shit in kids rooms.

Needless to say, Nina did not follow my advice.

So then everyone goes shopping. The sales person is all "can I help you" and both teams are just like "yeah, could you show us where all the REALLY ugly shit is, pls?"

But I think my favorite part of the ep by far, was all of the completely fucking ridiculous quotes everyone kept pulling out of their asses out about their dumb flowers and what they inspire. Behold:

"A carnation is a starting point." --Stacy

"A waxflower is effortless" --Emily

"Rannunculus evoke curiosity" --Michael

"Snapdragons are like asparagus" --Alex

"Everyone is totally fucking full of shit" --Design Blahg

Can anyone tell me why all of Tom's interviews are always conducted behind a gigantic rock??

So the dudes decide to break up their space into different areas...genius! They're using a bookcase as a room divider...original! The room will be luminous...yay! Only this whole complicated design scheme hinges entirely on one thing and one thing only: SEMI-GLOSS PAINT. Basically, you should think of the guys design concept as a house of cards (you know: unstable, haphazard, ready to collapse at any moment), and so the only thing keeping it all together...keeping it cohesive...and keeping it very, very "luminious" are two fucking cans of white semi-gloss paint. Obvs, right?

Only hitch is, Alex crossed off the semi-gloss paint from the paint list and wrote "flat paint." Upon finding out this piece of tragic information, the guys proceeded to act as if they had just been informed that Cher was retiring. Needless to say, chaos ensued.

Back at Camp Ovaries, the girls were all basically gathered in a circle licking their lips, and cooing at Danny-licious again. Emily seemed most under his spell and even broke out her widdy biddy baby voice, which she used to describe some pile of pillows on the floor that she she was planning e-s-p-e-c-i-a-l-l-y for Danny pants. She may or may not have been envisioning something along the lines of this:

As if the addition of yet another Nina mural weren't punishment enough, we're forced to watch another one of her retarded, hairbrained design schemes unfold: the inclusion of a swing. Like a REAL swing...in a motherfucking studio apartment!?

And while you and I might think that that idea is ridic, Nina sees things differently: "it's simple...and simplicity is genius." Translation: I'M A GENIUS, SO BOW TO MY GODDAMNED SWING." Oh and also, Nina would like us all to know that Dan's actually her assistant...just cause she said so.

I love you, Nina.

And speaking of Nina, let's take a look at her "elegant, elevated, bold" piece of shit art mural:

[This space is intentionally left blank]

Next we were given a montage of Tom huffing and puffing all over the apartment as he moved shit around, i.e. a taste of what Tom sounds like when he's getting boned (thanks for that HGTV).

Time for judging!

Honestly, my head has been so fucked with with this show, I can't even tell what's what anymore. It's like, you look at shit that's so bad, your brain shorts out and then you can't even tell bad from good. As a result, I'm not even sure wtf I think about these two spaces. I guess I'll just go with:

MEH

The wall color is semi-ok (as opposed to semi-gloss), but I hate the rug, HATE the pillows and think the general styling of the room is horrendous. I dig that pink pouf, though.

And EH

I mean, I guess this shit is *slightly* better than the girls. I think their color palette is more pulled together and the room feels a bit mor mature. But also the whole thing still feels kind of amateur hour. I don't really feel like Alex's art piece is much better than Nina's and wtf is that shelf thing on the wall near the front door? I do like their furniture choices better though.

The judges do a walk through of each apt, and the teams need to stand there as they loudly whisper shit back and forth to each other. They don't like Nina's mural [cue cheering across the entire universe].

Back at the studio, the judges deliver a shocker! Instead of judging each team, they are judging people individually! Uhm, what!? So you mean we could have avoided this whole assinine challenge in the first place and let people do shit individually? Yes...yes we could have.

So, Dan, Nina, Alex and Courtland end up in the bottom four. In the most hilarious moment of the night, Dan yells out "Wow! Thanks!" before he realizes that he was marching in the suck parade with the rest of the bottom feeders. D'oh!

In what I hope will now become a weekly tradition, I bring you Courtland's commentary on his flower, the Calla Lily, word for word:

"My flower was the Calla Lily. And if you look at the Calla Lily it is so simple. If you look at the petals it almost acts as a blanket. You know, keeping its bud warm. And at one particular angle, alls you see is that blanket. But if you turn it on its side, or if you step over it or look into it, the bud is not hidden...hence the bookshelf. That's what the Calla Lily makes me feel: warm and comfort...but not closed in."

Anyone out there who doesn't have a brain injury understand that shit?

Yadda, yadda...Dan and Alex are in the bottom two. The judges reach a unaminous decision on who to eliminate (Alex...though we don't know it at the time), but after they see their tapes, they all change their mind and choose Alex to stay. This further confused the shit out of me, as I thought Dan was pretty charming an effervescent in his presentation, and Alex was awkward and mumbly. But, whatevs...Dan goes home.

I just fucking give up.

At least Nina is still around...and that's all that really matters to me at this point. I've completely given up on the idea of ever seeing a lick of creative design this season, so all I have left is the dramz. And there's not much dramz without Nina, so at this point I'm pulling for her to make the final two.

Ok kiddos, so what did we learn this week: the number one rule is "semi-gloss, semi-gloss, semi-gloss!!" and snapdragons are just like asparagus! Words to grow on.

Next Week:

The designers use their special Spidey skillz to make a NYC fire house look rully, rully, shitty. Also, someone tries to set Nina on fire.