[DESIGN STAR RECAP] Episode 5: New York's Bravest Makeovers

I really loved the firemen theme of last night's show, and here's why:

• After watching the ep, I was extremely tempted to set my own TV on fire...and then my cable box that delivers HGTV to my apt...and then my own motherfucking face. YES, I WANTED TO SET THEM ALLLL ON FIRE.
• I think the entire staff responsible for dreaming up these assinine team challenges should all be FIREed.

Yeah, so obvs I was really feeling the whole firemen thing pretty hard. But that was the *only* thing I was feelin last night cuz SPOILER ALERT: Nina finally goes home!--and I'm actually pretty wrecked over it.

Yes, ppl: I know she's an ego-maniacal, talentless, attention hungry nit-wit who seems to be sexually aroused by taxidermy, but trust me: shit is about to get waaaaay the fuck boring all up in this Design Star bitch. I mean, think about it: aside from an occasionally queenie rant about someone's taste level from Michael, or some low cut v-neck tees from Courtland featuring his man boobage, we've now got NOTHING. I'm telling you: Nina was the bitchy, squiggly mural-ed glue holding this whole crap parade together, so unless they've got a surprise reunion tour with Clive or some bullshit in store, I'm pretty positive we're headed for snoozefest 2010.

Anyway.

This week was all about celebrating NYC firemen. And, believe it or not, I don't actually have a lump of coal in the space where my beating heart should actually be, so duh: I love firefighters too! Though, true confessions: I was under the impression that firefighters all looked like this:

But apparently they look more like this:

No biggie...it's a simple mistake. I just thought y'all should know so as to avoid any further confusion and/or disappointment.

So this week's challenge was a *teensy* bit less ridiculous: design a general/hang out space at two NYC firehouses. Nobody needed to get inspired by anything, or make shit work like a symphony, and for that I owe you my sincerest thanks, HGTV producers. But in order to mix things up, the teams got switched up this week. They abandoned the chicks vs. dicks directive and just assigned the remaining contestants to either the red or blue team, color war style.

It's really getting harder and harder for me to believe that this is actually a Mark Burnett show. I mean, have you ever seen Survivor?? They put some serious time/effort into coming up with those weekly challenges, and yet with Design Star, it feels like the entire season was laid out by an intern. Also, why not let everyone pick names out of a hat, and THAT'S the team you're on!? Shit like that could at least make stuff way more interesting. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PRODUCING THIS SHOW?? Sheesh.

So Nina, Stacey, Courtland & Tom end up on the red team, which Nina immediately christens: "soooo shtrong." Michael, Alex, Casey, and Emily are represntin for blue, and an interview with Michael waxing rhapsodic about how Alex is a "snoozer" and not a strong team member is immediately spliced in. Are you picking up on the formula here people: HGTV does this every single solitary week when they tell you exactly how the ep is going to go down in the first few minutes: SPOILER ALERT numero dos = The red team ain't so "shtrong" and Alex is the opposite of a snoozer.

Take a look at Courtland's face mere seconds after Gen tells him he's going to be working amongst a big group of sweaty, muscled firefighters (yep, dreams really DO come true):

The contestants then dress up like pretend firefighters and go through some simulation exercise. It was hard. They're supposed to be inspired. Nina summed it up thusly:

"To be in this clothing and to have the flames around me, it made me realize: there are people out there who are willing to sacrifice their lives for us. If I can create a space that says to them 'you made it through another day,' I would be so proud of myself." And can anyone take a guess what type of space Nina envisions delivering that message to the brave men of the fire company she's working with after a long day of fighting fires and saving lives??

A MOTHERFUCKING SPA!!

Yet another pearl of wisdom from Nina: "I truly believe that my design idea is the best. I'm better than my group, and they can learn from me." If only this show were called: "How to be a talentless, self-aggrandizing bitch burger," she would be totally right on the money.

Another interesting thing that we learned this week is that Courtland is a self-proclaimed "guy's guy." And so, for example, he's very comfortable with manly elements in rooms, tools, dark wood, beer, flannel shirts, farting...basically anything testosterone related. We know this, because Court told us approx 11 million billion times throughout the ep. Short of whipping out his dick and urinating "GUY" on one of the fire house walls, I'm not sure how he could have enusured his message was conveyed any more clearly. And so for anyone who is keeping track so far: Nina is an artist and Courtland is a guy's guy...and yet again, today is opposite day.

Then Michael shoots a nail into his hand. Which isn't funny, I know, but kind of funny cause Emily said (about the nail gun) "it comes FAST...and HARRRRD," and then I just envisioned Courtland overhearing her, but not realizing she was talking about the nail gun (they are in a friggin fire house after all), and then while he's having all his "guy's guy" thoughts he might throw back his head again in ecstasy:

So while Michael is away getting nails removed from his hands, Alex is busy stepping up to the motherfucking plate! He really actually surprised me this week, and it was nice to see him working double time, cause he kind of saved his team's ass in a really big way.

Would now be a good time to talk about the fact that I HATE the term: signature element!?? And think that directive is largely responsible for helping to create these shit-tastical designs? Cause I so do. I mean: just let everyone work together on the project and stop making em all so batshit about "signature elements." Cause lots of "signature elements" look like crap on a stick when they're all shoved together in one friggin room.

Speaking of which, here's Emily's:

It's a coffee table tribute to the firemen. And I have no idea wtf all those words are, but I SINCERELY hope they are not written out messages from all of the team members, because in that case I would need to abandon my post right the fuck now to go projetile vomit all over my spa-like bathroom.

Nina's signature element is a...wait for it: an ART MURAL! Only, not so fast: there are no squiggly lines on this bitch AT ALL. You see, friends, she is far too creative, to repeat herself like that. So instead she has engineered a braille art installation (no, no one at the firehouse is blind, but stay with me) in order to stress all the things that people DON'T see in the work that firemen do. Hey Nina: why don't you start with stressing all the shit that people DO see and then take it from there? Eh, forget it...I keep forgetting that it's opposite day.

Uhm, anyone notice the similarities?

So, despite Michael's accident, the blue team wins! Michael painted a mural of the NYC skyline that I didn't totally hate, and Casey painted a silhouette of a fireman that didn't make we want to kick a puppy.

Here's where I'd like to show you all sorts of rad shots of both rooms, only I can't since yet again, HGTV doesn't have any up. So now I"m forced to take crappy screenshots of my TV, with my crappy iPhone (sorry: you ppl deserve better).

Here's the winning room:

And here is Casey's artwork:

Casey ended up winning the challenge, even though I thought it totally should have been Alex since he really saved the whole team, but whatevs.

As for the red team, they turned in "A BIG FAT ZERO," according to Vern who was on f-i-r-e last night (no pun intended) with his commentary. I don't remember *exactly* what he said, but it was something along the lines of this: YOU PEOPLE SUCK SO HARD, I WISH I COULD PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE AND MOUNT YOU ON THE WALL LIKE ONE OF NINA'S UGLY-ASS MURALS."

The judges hated the shit out of Courtland's paneling (which I actually didn't mind at all), and Candice even called their room a "goth den," which confused my ass even further, but whatevs: I've stopped trying to make sense of any of this. Nina and Courtland were in the bottom two. Nina's presentation was all about her, stand-offish, and bitchy. Courtland's presentation was waaaaay over the top and cartoonish, but still way better than Neeners.

In a non-unamimous decision (WTF Genievieve???) Nina gets eliminated. THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE (AND TWITTERVERSE) celebrated...except for me.

Here's Dooce's recap.

Next Week:

The Design Star mofos fuck up a Trump property so badly, Donald Jr. has to hire a team of goons to undo their work...IN NEW JERSEY. Newsflash: the design bar is pretty fucking low in NJ, so I can't wait to see what horrendousness this whack pack comes up with.