[DESIGN STAR RECAP] Episode 8: Ding Dong Dining Room Disasters

OK, LOOK.

I SWORE IN MY LAST RECAP THAT IF HGTV DIDN'T GIVE US SOME MOTHERFUCKING INDIVIDUAL CHALLENGES THIS WEEK, MY ENTIRE RECAP WAS GOING TO BE WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS AS A SHOW OF MY BP OIL SPILL SIZED FRUSTRATION WITH THIS NONSENSE. AND SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THERE WERE NO MOTHERFUCKING, COCK SUCKING, TIT BITCH INDIVIDUAL CHALLENGES THIS WEEK, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE ARE ONLY FOURRRRR PEOPLE LEFT ON THIS BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A DESIGN COMPETITION.

WE ARE EIGHT WEEKS INTO THIS B.S. AND I STILL HAVE NO CLUE IF ANY OF THESE DESIGNERS ARE CAPABLE OF PULLING OFF A ROOM BY THEMSELVES. SO YEAH...IF IT SEEMS LIKE I'M SCREAMING AT ALL Y'ALL, IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I SO FUCKING AM.

THIS WEEK MARKS THE SECOND TIME HGTV TRYS TO CAPITALIZE ON THE EXISTING SUCCESS OF A WAAAAAY BETTER SHOW. FIRST IT WAS PROJECT RUNWAY WITH THE "FASHION INSPIRED" CHALLENGE, AND LAST NIGHT THEY TRIED TO TOP CHEF IT UP WITH SOME FOOD INSPIRED CHALLENGE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THE ONLY THING THIS ACCOMPLISHES IS TO REMIND ME HOW ALL THOSE OTHER SHOWS THEY'RE TRYING TO COPY ON BRAVO ARE JUST WAY THE FUCK BETTER. 

ANYWAY.

HERE'S THE CHALLENGE: "THE FINAL FOUR DESIGN HOPEFULS MUST CREATE CHIC DINING ROOMS INSPIRED BY THE FOOD NETWORK CHEF Aarón Sanchez’s DISHES. THE EXTRA TWIST: THEY CAN ONLY USE REPURPOSED FURNITURE AND ACCESSORIES."

FIRST OF ALL: BWHAHHHHHAAAAA RE: CREATING "CHIC" DINING ROOMS. IF THAT IS THE CHALLENGE, THAN YOU LITERALLY DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANY OTHER DETAILS ABOUT THE SHOW BEFORE YOU CAN HANDILY COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT EVERYONE WILL OBVS FAIL. THESE BITCHES HAVE YET TO CREATE ANNNNNYTHING CHIC.

SECOND OF ALL, ISN'T THIS THE SAME EXACT FUCKING CHALLENGE THEY HAD LAST WEEK? EXCEPT THIS TIME ALL THE FOOD SHIT WAS NOT ACTUALLY IN A BASKET? AND FINE THE RE-PURPOSING THING IS NEW,  BUT OTHERWISE, I WAS PRETTY MUCH GEARING UP FOR COURTLAND TO SPEND THE WHOLE EP MAKING RIDICULOUS PARMESAN CHEESE EMPANADA REFS.

THE ONE SLIGHTLY COOL THING THAT WENT DOWN, WAS THAT THE 4 REMAINING BTCHZ, CASEY, MICHAEL, COURTLAND, AND EMILY HAD TO REPURPOSE SOME STUFF. AND SO IT WAS SEMI-INNERESTING THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS ENTIRE SEASON (MINUS THE FIRST EP) WE GOT TO SEE A TEENY TINY BIT OF EACH OF THE INDIVIDUAL REMAINING FOUR DESIGNERS' STYLES. BUT THEN EVERYTHING ELSE WAS BORING AS SHIT, SO LIKE I BARELY EVEN NOTICED AFTER AWHILE.

MICHAEL-N-EMILY WERE ON THE BLUE TEAM AND CASEY-N-COURTLAND WERE ON THE RED TEAM.

BORING.

BORING.

BORING.

NOTHING.

NADA.

LAME.

I MISS NINA SO HARD.

SHIT HAS GOTTEN SO BAD, PPL, I BARELY HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ANYMORE.

THE BLUE TEAM MURDERED KERMIT THE FROG AND USED HIS GREEN BLOOD TO PAINT THEIR CEILING. IT LOOKED LIKE CANCER. NO WORSE THAN CANCER...LIKE A CONCENTRATION CAMP. IS THAT INAPPROPRIATE? FUCK IT...I DON'T CARE. IT FITS.

MICHAEL SMASHED A BUNCH OF ANGELS, SPRAY PAINTED THEM BLACK AND MADE A BROCADE HOME MIRROR OUT OF THEM, WHICH VERY MUCH REMINDED HIM OF HIS INSPIRATIONAL DISH: FRUIT FUCKING SALAD. ISN'T IT SUPER DUPER FUNNY THAT THE GAY GUY (NO, NOT COURTLAND...HE'S A MAN'S MAN) CHOSE THE FRUIT SALAD AND HGTV MADE WINK WINK JOKES ABOUT IT THE WHOLE EP?? NO? ME NEITHER.

EMILY SPRAY PAINTED UGLY KNICK KNACKS AND HOT GLUED THEM TOGETHER CAUSE THAT'S OBVIES VERY HUEVOS RANCHEROS-Y. THE REST OF THEIR STRATEGY SEEMED TO CONSIST OF REMOVING VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING ELSE FROM THEIR SPACE, PUTTING UP CURTAINS AND CUTTING A COFFEE TABLE IN HALF.

COURTLAND, AHHHH-GAIN, FAUX FINISHED A WALL ORANGE (EMPANADAS!!!!!!!), AND IT LOOKED LIKE CAT VOMIT (IF YOU FED YOUR CAT FANTA AND CHEEZ DOODLES). CASEY DID A BUNCH OF NOT VERY INTERESTING SHIT, THAT SEEMED WAY THE FUCK MORE INTERESTING BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS FUCKING UP SO HARD AND SCREWING WITH YOUR BRAIN. NONE OF THIS SHIT EVEN REMOTELY LEFT ME THINKING OF A TAMALE, BUT THAT MUST BE BECUZ, CLEARLY, I LACK THE INSPIRATION THESE BITCHES DO.

HERE IS THE RED TEAM'S FINAL MASTERPIECE:

I WOULD, HOWEVER, LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THERE IS ONE SINGLE THING I LIKED IN THE RED TEAM'S ROOM: THOSE COPPER PIPE SCONCES, WHICH COURTLAND CAME UP WITH. ASIDE FROM THOSE, THE ROOM MAKES ME WANT TO GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A RUSTY NAIL. PREFERABLY THE ONE THAT MICHAEL SHOT THROUGH HIS HAND.

JUDGING!

EMILY AND CASEY END UP IN THE TOP AND CANDICE FINALLY SAYS WHAT WE'VE ALL BE THINKING THE WHOLE TIME: CASEY IS THE PRETTIEST, SO IF THIS SHIT IS ABOUT WHO LOOKS BEST ON TV, CASEY ALREADY WON. HER HOSTING SKILLS ARE A BIT MORE TOP NOTCH THAN I ANTICPATED, SO TWO SNAPS UP FOR HER. EMILY IS CUTE AND QUIRKY AND SHE REALLY IS MY FAVE, BUT ALSO I JUST FEEL LIKE SHE IS SOOOO NOT HGTV. HGTV IS ALL ABOUT MIDWEST MEDIOCRITY, AND BORING, AND VANILLA AND VERN FUCKING YIP AND EMILY SHOULD BE ON THE COOL DESIGN CHANNEL THAT ONLY EXISTS IN MY HEAD, BUT STILL.

COURTLAND AND MICHAEL ARE IN THE BOTTOM TWO AND SURPRISE SURPRISE, THE JUDGES ARE NONE TOO PLEASED WITH COURTLAND'S FAUX FINISH TIMES A BILLION. WHY HE WOULD CHOOSE TO DO THAT SHIT IN E-V-E-R-Y SINGLE CHALLENGE WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT EVEN ON A GOOD DAY IS BEYOND ME, BUT LO AND BEHOLD: HE DID. ALSO YET A-FUCKING-GAIN THE JUDGES OFFER COURTLAND A BIT OF CRITICISM AND HE AGREES HARD, AND THEN LAPS IT UP LIKE IT'S A COLD DIET COKE...IN MY HAND...AT 8AM. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, DUDE! IF YOU'RE SUCH A MANLY MAN HOW COME YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO EVER STAND BEHIND ANYTHINGGGGG YOU DO??

WELL, TOO BAD, SO SAD: CAUSE COURTLAND GET'S ELIMINATED.

AND LIKE YEAH: THAT WAS THE RIGHT MOVE, BUT ALSO MICHAEL IS SUCH A WHINEY LITTLE BITCH I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF HIM. THE THOUGHT OF WATCHING HIM ON A SHOW FOR AN ENTIRE 30 MINS IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME GO BACK TO MY EYE DOCTOR AND GET MY EYES UN-FUCKING-LAZERED.

SO, GOODBYE COURTLAND. GOODBYE PLUNGING V-NECKS. GOODBYE FAUX FINISH CATASTROPHES.

GOODBYE TO MY OWN SELF-RESPECT

Next Week:

Well, well, well: Individual challenges! Miraculous! So like two secs before one of these bitches gets their own goddamned show, we're finally going to see what they can do all on their own? PREDICTION #1: not much. PREDICTION #2: Casey's gonna win anyway. Stay tuned...or not. I really don't fucking care anymore.