[RECAP] Million Dollar Decorators: Episode 1

Million Dollar Decorators premiered tonight and while its tag line is "Designed for Drama," I have to comment on how disappointed I was that not ONE person threw a glass of wine in another person's face.  Nobody's weave got pulled out, nobody even threw up their hands and screamed "OH HELL NO!" 

What's the deal, Bravo?  

I want to see some bitches get SLAPPED.

I guess the drama is not as pronounced on this show because these people, as opposed to most of the cast members on the rest of Bravo's line-up, seem to have some kind of an education.  They might not be the fullest drawers in the credenza (see what I did there?  It's a DESIGN JOKE), but I'd imagine they all have at least a high school equivalency diploma, which is not something I could say about any of the Real Housewives of ANY county ever.

So the show opens with everyone doing a bunch of sassy poses in fake room set-ups while saying a bunch of ridiculous things like "I don't follow trends, I set them!" and "Decorating is totally delicious!" 

Imagine being the director of the opening sequence for this:  Put your hands on hips!  Look sassy!  Point at that vase!  FIERCE!  I NEED FIERCE!  Suggestively rub that paperweight!  Pretend to adjust that pillow!  PERFECTION!

Obviously, everyone who works at Bravo is living the dream. 

We're going to be introduced to the decorators one-by-one, so let's cut to the chase.

Mary McDonald

The first sentence that comes out of Mary's mouth is, “I was always interested in design.  Even when I was 20, I had a baby grand piano in my apartment.” 

Cool, Mary.  When I was 20 I was living in an apartment the size of a closet with five other girls.  If we had a few more women crammed in there it would have been legally designated as a brothel.  We all had to sleep on bunk beds and we got into fights every day about who was taking up more than their fair share of space in the freezer.  I'm sure that baby grand was great, though.

Despite her grand piano ambitions, Mary seems pretty self-aware, which is probably an asset in an industry where people spend 14 hours a day looking at themselves in the mirror but never actually see what's there.  

Mary talks about how glamorous her designs are and then her assistant shows up with about 400 tiny dogs all attached to one leash.  She says that she can't have them in the office, but whatever, I guess, because they just cut to her petting them while she declares via voiceover that she's "not kookoo," rather, she's "kooky.”

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

Martyn is on the phone, saying trite pleasantries to someone who probably believes him.  We follow him into the bathroom where we see him check out his teeth. 

Apparently, people just can't believe that he can do SO many looks.  He rattles off a bunch of his celebrity clients, and then, as if he can't be trusted to tell the truth, Bravo flashes a bunch of design magazine covers over the screen as evidence. 

We go over to Martyn's office where he is discussing the business (or "the biz," as I like to call it) with his Office Manager, who bears a striking resemblance to Dennis Franz.  Hey, NYPD Blue: you're on the wrong show, I think. 

Over the course of two minutes and forty seconds, Martyn name-drops TWELVE celebrity names. 

Despite this, Martyn insists that he's not a diva, but then saying that he DOES have a diva side to him. 

"If I get really riled up, I manage to raise my heavily-botoxed eyebrow and scare everybody.”  Great.

He's doing a remodel project for Sharon Osbourne and he's talking with an assistant about how things are right on track.  Of course, they won't be for long, because everyone knows that whenever you have an "Everything is going smoothly!" conversation, it takes about 15 minutes for everything to simultaneously implode. 

Kathryn Ireland

Kathryn introduces herself to us by saying that the most important things to her in life are food, sex, and decorating.  She's having a conversation with her French housekeeper who looks like a combination of a space alien and an old cabaret dancer from those creepy Max Beckmann paintings. 

Kathryn says that even as a little girl, she would go over to her friends' homes and rearrange the furniture.  Sounds like a real hoot.  Almost as fun as the time I had my friends over for a slumber party and forced them all to watch Evita. 

She's on the phone with a client, saying things like, "I found you a wonderful chandelier, it's all candles.  There will be no electricity in your dining room!"  The woman on the other line responds enthusiastically, which leads me to believe that she has to be some kind of rich Amish person, if those even exist. 

Meanwhile, Kathryn's teenage sons are trying to drown each other in the pool and she comes out and yells at them saying, “Don’t do that!  I hate it when people try to drown other people," which literally made me laugh out loud.

Man, don't you hate it when people try to drown each other?  Happens to me all of the time.  Just like that Phil Collins song.

Mary McDonald

There are more designers to meet, but we're back with Mary.  We're seeing a bunch of glamour shots of a house that she decorated.  The client wants her to come back and redo her guest house. 

The client wants to find a way to fit a grand piano into the living room somehow, which doesn’t seem like it would be a big deal since it looks like it’s approximately 23482938592589358 square feet.  Mary is totally AGAINST the piano.  Which is weird, because I thought she liked pianos?

In other news, is this what rich people talk about all day?  Grand pianos?  Wine cellars?  Gold dubloons?  I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO RELATE TO THIS SHOW.  

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

I’m not positive, but I’m thinking that maybe Martyn gets money every time he says “Sharon Osbourne.”  Because he says her name A LOT.  If he were to get $1,000 every time he says “Sharon Osbourne” in just this ONE episode, he would have made $14,000, which isn't a lot to people who regularly spend $100,000 on side tables, but it's a lot to someone like me, who buys most of her housewares at the Dollar Tree. 

Anyway, Sharon Osbourne needs her house done in three days, when Martin originally had two weeks. 

You know what this situation is?  That's right.  IT'S DESIGNED FOR DRAMA. 

Nathan Turner

Nathan is running down the beach with two dogs.  He admits that he’s priveliged, and that he got into decorating by accident after working for an antique dealer.  

He says that his mother was not surprised he wanted to be a decorator, presumably in the same way that my mother was not surprised that I am a lesbian.  Moms know all! 

Nathan has a retail store and admits that while not everyone (ie: no one) can buy it, he encourages window shopping.

Jeffrey Alan Marks

We meet Jeffrey in his nautical-themed house, which is my absolute dream come true.  I seriously love everything about this house.  There's a ROW BOAT hanging from the ceiling, and it manages to look chic, rather than something that you'd see at Red Lobster.  

His boyfriend, Ross, has been with him for 4 years.  We know they've been together for four years the way they get into a non-argument about washing the dog.  "You're not doing it right!" followed by a, "Why don't you do it, then?" 

Sounds about right.

Mary McDonald

Nathan is over at Mary's house, and they are BEST FRIENDS!  Supposedly Mary was the inspiration for Karen on Will & Grace.  If that is true, I will probably enjoy watching this show more. 

Nathan and Mary met at a book party, where he just came up to her and said, “Hi, I like you,” which, by the way, is something only charming gay men can get away with.  

If anyone else came up to you at a party and just said, “Hi, I like you,” you’d be calling the police or reaching for the nearest available sharp object to defend yourself with.  But when it’s a good-looking gay man, you’re FINE with it.

“Mary is the pied piper of the gays, because she is fabulous!” Nathan yells. 

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

Martyn is in Sharon Osbourne's new apartment, and there is a gorgeous view.  Sharon gets on the phone and she is EXCITED.  

Hold onto your hat, Sharon, because there's a problem with the painters. 

Shit ain't gonna get done on time, and Martyn can't install furniture if the paint is wet. Martyn's assistant says that someone named Jim totally fucked up.  Nice work, Jim.  You'll never work in this town again!

Jeffrey Alan Marks

Jeffrey's boyfriend says that he's been working for him for a little less than two years.  He "applied for the job" and got hired!  What a surprise! 

Ross says that Jeffrey is a really nice guy, but that he takes on the role of the bad guy.  “I don't mind being an asshole.” 

This guy is really, really good looking, and totally jacked, but he's got this cocky grin and I don't know how I feel about it yet.  He looks like the guy in high school who would come up to the nerdy girl, ask her out an a date, and then egg her house with his buddies later that night while she was getting all dolled up.

Jeffrey has two assistants named Dimitra, which sounds like a good foundation for a very depressing Russian porn. 

He admits that he doesn't know what one of the Dimitras actually does, which sounds like every boss-assistant relationship in the world.  

Ross's hair gets more out of control with every second, making him look more and more like Robert Smith as the minutes go on. 

Ross is concerned that Jeffrey’s nautical-themed restaurant will turn into a Pirates of the Carribean theme if they’re not careful.

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

Back in Sharon Osbourne's apartment, there’s a problem with the paint and Martyn keeps asking the painters questions, like they give a fuck or know anything that’s going on.  

"I feel like I'm not getting any adequate answers," he says.

Maybe that's because they can't speak English, they’re getting paid $10 an hour, and they were probably picked up outside of a Home Depot parking lot.  These are not the guys who are going to understand the huge problem you have that a wall is eggshell white and not off-white.  

Kathryn Ireland

Kathryn is throwing a birthday party for herself, and she’s asked her sons to cook her dinner.  These are the same guys that were just jumping off the roof and trying to drown each other.  I’m sure they’ll make something elegant, like foie gras.  

Mary McDonald

Mary's client asks her to come over, and when she arrives, she tells her that she’s getting a divorce and selling her house.  She's super broken up about it.

Mary is upset because she loves that house, which is a really excellent way to comfort your friend whose marriage just ended.  

They still need to redo the guest rooms because they want it to look its best while they’re trying to sell it. The realtors asked for them not to go balls-out with the design, but Mary said that she ain’t listening.  

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

Martyn is buying a picture of The Beatles for $30,000, as well as a $25,000 for a rug, which is a few thousand dollars shy of my starting salary in New York.  I have literally walked out of a bar because I thought that a $7 cover was “too expensive.”  

This is how the other half lives, guys.  TERRIBLY.  

Kathryn Ireland

The crazy French housekeeper busts in, saying, “Hi everybody, it’s me with the wine!," which is the way that I would like everyone to greet me from now on.  Take notes.  And also bring wine.

Apparently, she got the wrong wine, and Kathryn laments that while her housekeeper is French, she knows nothing about wine!  This is exactly like the time my mother called me up to complain that she had to take my brother to sailing lessons at the Yacht Club but her Lexus wouldn't be back from the dealer in time. 

Say it with me: white people problems.   

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

Do you think Martyn’s birthname was spelled with a “y”?  I would bet one million Sharon Osbourne dollars that it wasn’t.  It’s like my hairdresser who insists that his name is Armani but I’m pretty sure it’s probably Steve or Joe.  

Nathan Turner

Nathan showed up at Kathryn’s place to borrow some fabric for a special birthday gift.  He's playing with a black lab named Nacho and acting adorable and not self-righteous or self-important.  Nathan, you are my favorite. 

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

Chaos is going down at the Sharon Osbourne apartment. 

Everyone is freaking out about whether or not they'll finish on time, probably because they're afraid that if they don't, Ozzy wll show up and bite one of their heads off like a bat in one of his concerts.  SHOWBIZ.

Kathryn Ireland

Kathryn is getting ready for her birthday party and Martyn calls to say “Sharon Osbourne” twenty-five more times and to also tell her that he can’t make it to the party.  

She says she is “slightly devastated,” which is a very fun way to say to someone that you really couldn't care less.  

Her sons are totally on top of everything for the party, and by that I mean they’re leaving to go somewhere and not do anything for the party.

Martyn Lawrence Bullard

The apartment actually looks very nice and a fedora wearing, very confused Sharon Osbourne emerges from a broom closet. 

Martyn shows her around the apartment, which goes something like this: nervous laughter, nervous laughter, storage closet, storage closet.  

Sharon loves it so much that she likens Martyn to Harry Potter.  He makes a vaguely sexual "magic wand" joke, which further contributes to the awkward sauce situation. 

Kathryn Ireland

Kathryn’s son’s are making Mexican food with the enthusiasm of death row inmates.  

Kathryn admits, like most women who are very successful in their careers, that her personal life is chaotic and unorganized.  

After seeing the way that she lives, I can understand better why she cut off our phone interview four times, told me she was going to call me back, and then never did.  Someone probably threw her in the pool, or her drunk housekeeper lit something on fire by accident.  All’s forgiven, Kathryn.  

Also, rule of thumb: never let anyone with the word “teen” in their age organize a party.  All you’re going to end up with is a bag of Fritos and a bunch of tears.

Everybody starts showing up for the party and she is not ready.  There's a bunch of jokes about cleavage and then we see everybody sitting around a table eating guacamole, because that's the only thing her sons ended up finishing.

Good thing Nathan brought his adorable birthday surprise, which was a cake in the shape of a severed woman's torso wrapped in Kathryn's signature fabric. 

Katherine reveals that she's a double D and the episode ends. 

Seriously, that's the end of the premiere episode.  

Can't wait to see what next week's shitshow will be.

DRAMA!

Check back every Wednesday for weekly recaps of Million Dollar Decorators.

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