[REVIEW'D] New York Mag's Design Issue

As soon as the annual New York Magazine's Design Issue hits newsstands, you can basically hear the tornadoes of jealousy whirring up all over the city.  Because unless you have a job where you make mannny millions of dollars a year, you're basically guaranteed to live in a way shittier apartment  than any of those shown in the mag.

Featuring seven unaffordable apartments that are all like 1500-6000 square feet (my first apartment was 280 square feet so I'M NOT JEALOUS OR ANYTHING), this magazine that allegedly covers all five burroughs could apparently only find acceptable apartments in Brooklyn and Manhattan. Go fuck yourselves, other burroughs!

For some reason, they decided to give this year's issue a theme (families!) even though they almost completely ignore it. They claim that their intention was "simply, to look at how different kinds of families live in New York right now," though that only extends so far as ridiculously wealthy families or families primarily made up by interior designers are concerned. Also, that guy who used to play Steve on Blues Clue's (WTF?).

Obviously, all of the apartments featured were amazing, and we should all be so lucky for the opportunity to sell our loved ones into slavery to be able to live in any of them for even a day. 

Please don't name your children Bunny & Lulu

Gay dads with twin pre-schoolers named Bunny and Lulu (barf), who live in some kind of modern gay guy Upper East Side apartment that looks like it was just vacated by the Carnegies, Whitneys and/or Astors. The photographer clearly plays up the twin girls aspect of the story, we're guessing in attempt to make the images as reminiscent of The Shining as humanly possible. It worked.

People who like to sleep in closets when they have gorgeous apts are weird

A single mom and her two daughters live in a six thousand square foot apartment converted from a former YMCA. Admittedly, this place is insaaaane in the way it manages to retain a hint of the building's former purpose, while also looking like every inch was custom designed by an architect. One of the daughters asked the architect to build her a little sleeping niche (referred to bizarrely as a "bed house") within her bedroom. I'm sure it makes sense to create a claustrophobic cubby to sleep in when you're allotted two thousand square feet per person in your home, but I bet it would have saved everyone a lot of money if her mom just rented this girl her own apartment down the block.

Look up "pretentious hipster" in the dictionary and you'll most likely see these dudes

Brothers Beardy and Beardzo live in a giant Greenpoint loft that basically looks like a dude version of Anthropologie with all that fake lumberjacky shit that's so trendy right now. They drip water down a shovel instead of using a faucet for their kitchen sink, which seems a little overly-complicated and precious. Also they get paid approx a billion dollars to make all this same shit for various restaurants and hotels around the city.

More twinsies!

Identical twin designers in Ft. Greene, Brooklyn share an apartment and get this - they don't have identical twin tastes!

This electrical tape floor is like whoa

Gallerist Tim Nye is a single dad with a shit ton of dolls littering his place. They are presumably for his 10 year old daughter, Moppy. Tim's former apartment was featured in this magazine three years ago and had the same crazy-color tape floor. 

Blue clearly got a mother f'n clue

Steve Burns, who played "Steve" on Blues Clues is practically my neighbor, but his house is approx one jillion times nicer than mine. His architect cut a courtyard out of the center of his building and the walls facing the yard are all glass, which is hard to find in New York without giving all of your neighbors the opportunity to see you naked. Steve's got some shitty things to say about his neighborhood (Williamsburg, BK), and appears to own zero personal items.

Gloria Vanderbilt is Anderson Cooper's Mamz

The absolute best apartment in the bunch was the one belonging to Gloria Vanderbilt, who has enough money and time to do eccentric rich people shit, like covering an entire room in patchwork quilts and posing for Vogue in a bathrobe made from, you guessed it: a patchwork quilt! The juxtaposition of colors, prints and textures--all with a slightly dusty quality--look like you could shoot an Anthropologie catalog there, but it's clear that this is a woman who has traveled extensively and brought back pieces from everywhere. 

Ok, ppl don't hold back. What the hell did you think of the ish???

All images NY Mag.