[YOU'RE WELCOME] Bangin' Hostess Gifts

When I cook for friends, it's generally assumed that I only expect them to bring the biggest bottle of the cheapest wine they can find.

But, for those of you out there that have a disposable income AND try to keep it classy (did you ever know that you're my hero?), you may want to show up to a dinner party with more than just a cheap bottle of hooch. 

You want to bring something thoughtful, something genuine.  Something relatively cheap and not too personal.

That's right, we're talking hostess gifts.   

1. Of course there's assigned seating at this chick's parties, so indulge her control freak tendencies with these Wine Cork Placecard Holders (Uncommon Goods, $15).  I mean, why would you want to sit next to your spouse anyway, when you can sit next to a total stranger who enjoys talking about his hobby collecting miniature train sets?  FUN. 

2. Remember that time you used the same knife to cut the brie as you did to cut the gouda?  What, you didn't know this was a huge faux paux?  WELL IT WAS.  EVERYONE WAS UPSET.  Try to forget that downward shame spiral with this Cut the Cheese Knife Set (Uncommon Goods, $20) that clearly lets you know which cheese should be paired with which knife.

3. When I was in college, I lived with someone who was prone to tantrums and rages.  Literally anything would set this girl off.  So, being the sensitive friend that I was, I made a chart on the white board that hung on my dorm room door titled, "HOW MANY HOURS SINCE SARAH'S LAST FLIP OUT?"  One time, we got to four whole hours, which was a definite break through.  I honesly can't believe this girl and I aren't friends anymore.  Anyway, a fun party game to play with your insufferable hostess is BitchCitation (Fred Flare, $6).  Is she yelling at someone for trying to sneak some food before it's ready?  BITCHCITATION.  Is she telling someone that they've "had enough?"  BITCHCITATION.  We all know with this bitch, the possibilities are endless. 

4. I heard someone describe some bitch as "Someone who always looks like she's watching someone not use a coaster."  You know that look.  Your mother gave it to you about 70 million times when you were growing up.  Her eyes bug out and her face contorts.  She CANNOT BELIEVE you're about to set that drink down on her coffee table.  Get these Zebra Coasters (Jonathan Adler, $48) and avoid all of the mom faces and awkwardness that's bubbling just under the surface.

1. We all know a candle is the perfect gift to get anyone we don't know or care about.  Rather than grabbing the cheapest one on the clearance rack at Rite Aid, try to get something a little bit more considerate, like the Lucia Votive Trio Set (Orange & Pear, $19.99).  Giving a candle is like saying: "Here's a candle, Susan.  I don't know anything about you and I'm pretty sure I'd like to keep it that way." 

2. If you want to further encourage pyromania in the hearts of strangers, take a look at Holy Smoke Oversized Matchboxes (Rock of Ages Press, $7 each).  How many cute and kitschy fire puns can you list on one matchbox?  A lot, apparently.  I have to say that I think they really missed the mark by not creating one that says "DISCO INFERNO," but that's just me.

3. You can only hope that someone who is going to cook you a four-course meal practices good hygiene, but you just never can tell, can you?  Pick up a bottle of Compagnie de Provence Soap (Orange & Pear, $17.50) and encourage the cleanliness.

4. You may not know anything about this person, but I think it's safe to say you can make the basic assumption that she is literate.  Because of that, you can feel free to buy her a bag of NovelTeas (Spoon Sisters, $11.95), which is a bunch of fancy tea bags with even fancier tags.  The tags have semi-douchey literary quotes to help the tea drinker feel even more self-righteous. 

1. What better way to help your hostess hide her burgeoning alcohol problem and the other skeletons in her closet than inside an antiquey skeleton key bottle opener .(HomArt Skeleton Key Bottle Opener, Orange & Pear, $28).  If you don't want to confess the reason why you saw this and thought it was PERFECT for her and her, just give it to her and declare "I AM GIVING YOU THE KEY TO MY HEART."  It'll make everything good and awkward, thus setting the stage to open a bottle of wine.  It was your plan all along, wasn't it?

2. I've never really gotten people who drink straight liquor on the rocks, mainly because I am a tiny little baby and if I'm going to have straight liquor, it better be in the form of a shot that I can take standing in a corner so no one can see the TERRIBLE face I'm making when I suck it down.  But, there's something really classy about people who order drinks "on the rocks," am I right?  Make that drink order literal with the On the Rocks Set (Uncommon Goods, $30).  Just put them in the freezer and they'll keep the drink cold without diluting it the way ice cubes will.  Just don't make the obvious "I got you an "on the rocks" set because I knwo you like your drinks the way you like your marriage!" comment.  HIIIIIIIIIIII-O.  

3. What better way to ensure that your hostess won't hide her empty bottles under the bed anymore than by encouraging her to insert them into her apartment's decor?  This Wine Bottle Tealight Holder (Uncommon Goods, $60) does the trick perfectly.

4. No one's a bigger boozehound than your hostess, but you're probably more lucid than her at any point in the evening, so why not challenge everyone to a rousing game of DrinkingSmarts (Uncommon Goods, $16)—a trivia game that challenges your booze knowledge.

1.  You've heard about her summer in France.  You've heard about her semester at sea.  You've heard about her internship at some impressive culinary school in Italy.  Pick up a set of these Cheers Glasses (CB2, $19.95).  She'll appreciate it, because this bitch would totally know how to say "Cheers" in 400 different languages. Show off.

2.  Is that fresh basil in here?  Yes, it is.  She wouldn't DREAM of using anything other than fresh herbs.  They just give a better flavor, you know?  Then, she'll show you her fire escape herb garden and give you a horrified look when you tell her you buy that pre-minced garlic that comes in a jar.  Get this self-righteous foodie the Herb-Savor (Spoon Sisters, $29.95), where she can keep her precious fresh herbs for up to three weeks. 

3. The conversation will go like this: you will present her with these clever little measuring spoons (Dash, Pinch, Smidgen Measuring Spoons, Spoon Sisters, $4.95) and say that you got them for her because you know she loves to cook.  Try not to choke her as she laughs, and says that she never measures anything because she loves to "just throw stuff together and see if it works!"  You can't make Rice a Roni but she can just "throw together" a perfect souflee.  No one said that life was fair.

4. By the time coffee gets passed around you are going to be very tired of hearing everyone compliment this bitch on how great her food was.  A great way to guarantee that you'll be associated with this deliciousness by proxy is to provide your hostess with this Gourmet Sugar Set (Uncommon Goods, $25).  Would that coffee be as delicious served with regular sugar that peasants use?  I DON'T THINK SO.