[9 BY DESIGN RECAP] Episode 8: Selling Point

It's so haaaaaaard to say goodbyeeeeeeee to yesterdAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Yes ppl, it's true: as if the Lost finale wasn't hard enough, our asses now gotta deal with a Novo-less summer. Tonight's ep of 9 By Design was the end of Season One, and I for one, have a major sad face. Shit I might even miss Dave Barry (actually, sorry: I just tried, and that's not possible).

Anyway, so yeah.

We came, we saw, we stole an Ann Carrington flag.

Work continued at the Bungalow hotel, and despite the fact that I blew my load with all those photos last week, shit was poppin over there. I was still mostly loving all the wood in the lobby, though the really big piece kinda looked like a a hobbit house. I mean, couldn't you just see Dave Barry crouched down in that thing playing on his iPad or some shit?

Those cocaine stools at the bar were also really killer, but again, Bob tried to take things a leetle bit too far with the packing tape chair.

Cause let's be honest: that thing was totally fucking stupid (and noisy, and seemingly uncomfortable). And once you get past the idea that the thing is made with tape, you're left with a whole lotta dumb. Kind of like the Zaha Hadid desk that EVERYONE hates the shit out of.

Thankfully, Dave Barry put the kibosh on the chair, and we were simply left with our "African beach chic hip stylish natural surf safari lodge," in beautiful downtown Long Branch, NJ. Lest you've forgotten already, that shit costs upwards of $500 a night, so if you plan on heading down to the Bungalow Hotel, you better make it a night to fucking remember (which clearly will involve taking a bath in front of your hotel room mate and writing some sexy sexy shit on the chalkboard in the hopes that the next guests will find it).

Though Cort is clearly not that interested, Bob was still hell bent on selling the house. Of course, the elevator ish came up again straight away. I was glad to hear that they had at least considered that shit before, though I still think it was pretty cray cray to not put one in. Some dude was maybe interested buying the thing, but he needed some shit taken care of first, and one of those things was noise from all the windows. So, voila: Anotonio, the laziest, lying-est contractor to ever hit the small screen was back on the block. And holy cow, that guy is full of shit. It's like impossible for the dude to say anything that makes sense or isn't a lie. I'm seriously ready to set him up on a date with Kelly Bensimon.

Sidenote: the Novos use wire hangers in their closets too!? Between them and Tim Gunn, my mind is officially blown. I mean I don't even allow wire hangers in my crappy apt, and my home sucks compared to theirs! Haven't you people heard of huggables (or huggies as I like to call em).

So yeah, Antonio is annoying everyone with his b.s windows job and they all decide to go to the "country." The "country" turns out to be Great Barrington, MA where they have this K-I-L-L-E-R house which pretty much looks my motherfucking dream vacation house from top to bottom. From the yellow and white curtains in the front a la the Viceroy hotel, to the glossy white floors, to the amazing artwork, I was into that place big time. And, again, I just never get sick of mixing the old traditional looking house on the outside, with all their modern touches (artwork, spectacular new pool, etc).

What happend next was almost too much for me to me to handle: THEY DECIDED TO HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING TAG SALE!? AYFKMWTS?? Holy mother of gawd, what I would have given to be at that sucker. I mean right?? Not that I have any fucking room to put any of that shit anywhere, but still! It would have ruled my face for weeks.

While advertising the tag sale, Bob somehow thought it would be a good idea to take the kids out an plunk then down on the side of a highway in their pajamas with some handmade signs, and have them jump up and down like lunatics. Shockingly, this shit seemed to work fairly well. Until Cort accidentally sold something for $50 that was supposed to be marked for $5 million. OOPSIE!

But hold on to your hat ppl, cause that's *still* not the manufactured tension for this week! Nope, that shit comes courtesy of Ann Carrington and her flags made of gold dust and angel wings-n-shit. I sincerely hope that this woman has sent the Novos some Harry & David fruit baskets or something after this season, cause holy shit have they helped her career. I mean, even IIIII want a motherfucking Ann Carrington now, and I can't even afford taxi cabs.

So, back to the fake tension: Ann Carrington apparently made 23 flags for Dave Barry's new hotel and low and behold, the USA flag got stolen! ZOMGZ! And when Bob found out, he calls Barry's ass up to tell him and Barry goes: "well, get me a new flag!" And Bob is all: "UHM YOU CAN'T JUST GET A NEW FLAG, DAVE BARRY....THOSE FLAGS ARE ALL BESPOKE." And Dave Barry is all: "I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS! YOU PROMISED ME SCREEN TIME ON EVERY EP AND I'VE ONLY BEEN ON 6 OF THE 8! SO GET ME MY MOTHERFUCKING FLAG AND GET IT NOWWWWWW."

Poof, Ann Carrington happens to be flying in that day!? And when they tell her one of her flags has been stolen, she immediately gets to work creating another one. No problemo! And who does she recruit to help her ass? Bellamy and Tallulah!? Zut Alors!

Uhm....

NOTE TO ANN CARRINGTON: If I'm gonna pay a bazillion dollars for some of your fly ass artwork, I'd like it to be for some shit that is way too complicated for a 10-year-old to make. Kthanxbai.

Anyway, the girls jump in and actually seem to be quite capable assistants. They finish the flag and everything is ready for the hotel launch party that night.

The Novos (or Bravo) rented a party bus for them to bring their whole crew down to Long Branch. Was I the only one who was seriously skeeved when Breaker started dirty dancing into the camera, shirtless mind you, as the disco ball spun? Just wondering.

So yay! The Bungalow Hotel opens and it looks fab, and Dave Barry sat in his hobbit house and everything was right in the world. Except that the dude who wanted to by the West Street house decided that he DIDN'T want to buy the West Street house. And Cort didn't give a shit, but Bob was slightly bummed. And now all our asses are left watching motherfucking reruns of Top Chef Masters.

9 BY DESIGN SEASON TWO OR BUST! Make it happen, Bravo. For realzies.